Yarr, here be spoilers.
So last night was the season finale of Game of Thrones, which, for those of you who have been living under a rock, was actually the end of Storm of Swords, the third book in George RR “All My Friends Are Dead” Martin’s epic series. I’m going to say right now that if you haven’t read the books or watched the show yet (even though Storm of Swords came out in 2000 and the statute of limitations on spoiling that bad boy has expired) there will be spoilers ahead, so if you don’t want to know what happens, turn off the internet and don’t leave your house until you’ve gotten caught up.
Anyway, I wanted to address the idea that some people seem to have that “girls hate Game of Thrones.” I’m not sure who these people are, although they probably spend a lot of time either living in their mom’s basement playing World of Warcraft, or maybe they have memorized every single episode of Sex and the City and can’t be bothered to do anything new. At any rate, it’s well known that there’s a lot of misogyny and douchebaggery on the internet, and when it comes to stuff like GoT, which has swords and blood and boobs and killin' and not an awful lot of attractive men who actually LIVE, apparently being in possession of a uterus makes one want to shut off the telly whenever someone shouts WINTER IS COMING or I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS or YOU KNAW NOTHING JON SNAAWWW.
Here’s the thing though. GoT, and its books, to which the show is pretty faithful, contains a lot of really strong feminist characters. This is one of the reasons I love it.
I know, I know, “Cersei’s a bitch and Sansa’s an idiot and there’s incest and Danaerys is too pretty to be a warrior princess” or some other bullshit. No, seriously. Every one of the women in this show is totally badass, for one reason or another. Let’s take a look at them.
Cersei: The queen you love to hate. Yeah, ok, she’s not REALLY the queen anymore, she’s the queen mom, because her horrible incestuously-begotten son is the king. But let’s face it, Cersei is way tougher than most of the rest of the Lannisters. The biggest shortcoming she’s got (besides being homicidal, sneaky and manipulative) is that SHE’S NOT JAIME. Her brother Tyrion can never be king because their father hates him, and Jaime’s off being the Kingslayer and stuff… but Cersei’s totally qualified to sit on the Iron Throne. She got stuck marrying Robert Baratheon, and now that he’s dead she has to live vicariously through her psycho offspring, because she has no power other than what is granted to her by the patriarchy. Cersei has responded to gender inequality by doing the only thing she knows how to do - pulling the strings from behind the scenes.
Catelyn Stark: I’ll say this for the show - it makes Catelyn a whole lot more likable. The wife and then widow of Ned Stark, Lord of Winterfell, does pretty much everything for the sake of her kids. Unfortunately, her need to save her children ends up dooming the lot of them, because when she frees Jaime Lannister, she sets all kinds of things in motion that have a really bad ending. Way to make heads roll, Catelyn.
Danaerys: Mother of Dragons? Sure, even though in the books she’s about fourteen, gets married off by her pervy brother to a tribal warlord, and is basically treated like property… until her husband’s death, at which point she loses everything. But! She’s Daenarys Stormborn, sister of the late Rhaegar Targaryen, which means she’s got dibs on the Iron Throne too. What does she do? Same thing any other teenage widow would do -- raises an army, collects her dragons, frees a bunch of slaves and begins making her way back to Westeros so she can claim what’s hers. Plus, the men under her command never try to say “But you’re a girl.” Props to Ser Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy for that.
Brienne of Tarth: I can’t begin to say how much I love Brienne, because she’s socially awkward, people make fun of her, she’s constantly belittled - even by Jaime Lannister, the freakin’ KINGSLAYER - and yet she remains strong, proud, and undeniably loyal. She’s a badass warrior, but what makes her awesome is not her fighting skills, but her fierce sense of right and wrong. Even when a gaggle of the Brothers Without Banners decide it might be fun to rape the Maid of Tarth, Brienne makes it clear that she might get raped but she’s going to castrate a couple of people in the process. If we were casting RPG statuses here, Brienne would be our Lawful Good warrior. She can’t help it, it’s just who she is.
Asha Greyjoy: Renamed Yara in the show, Asha is a swashbuckling pirate who decides to take the helm of the Iron Islands’ fastest ship with fifty of the best killers around so she can go rescue her poor brother Theon, who really doesn’t have a lot left worth rescuing now that he's being skinned alive by Roose Bolton's bastard. Like Cersei, Asha is fighting against the role that her society dictates for her gender, and because no one is going to give her power, she simply TAKES it. Eventually, teevee watchers will see Asha at the Kingsmoot, where she challenges her uncle for rule of the Ironborn, and while her gender may get in the way, it’s not the primary focus of why she ends up on the losing side.
Arya Stark: I love love love Arya Stark with the love of a thousand lovey suns. Unlike her sister Sansa, she’s managed to escape the hot mess that is Kings Landing and the Lannister family, and now she’s gallivanting around the countryside in the company of Sandor Clegane, the Hound himself. He’s keeping her alive, but Arya does pretty well on her own. She’s already got a couple of kills to her name, and she’s stealthy. She refuses to wait around letting things happen to her, instead Arya is completely pro-active and goes after what she needs and wants. Calm and cool, she tells the Hound, "Some day I'm going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull." AND OMG I CAN'T WAIT.
Sansa Stark: I have to say, reading the books, Sansa was my least favorite character. I really disliked her until about halfway through Storm of Swords, and then I had a sort of Sansa-piphany. Sansa becomes stronger, as do the other female characters, but in a different way. She’s not a warrior, not a schemer, not a manipulator, or even particularly clever. But Sansa, for all her other faults, is a survivor. Like a chameleon, she learns to adapt to whatever horrible situation she is put in by other people - because nothing that happens to Sansa happens BECAUSE of her. She is completely at the mercy of other peoples’ whims - her parents, Joffrey, Cersei, Lord Baelish… pretty much everyone other than Tyrion Lannister wants something from her. And Sansa adapts. She overcomes and she survives.
So, despite the insistence of some bloggers that Girls Don’t Like Game of Thrones It’s Too Hard to Understand, seriously, it’s worth investing some time to watch (or better yet, read) the series. Yes, there’s lots of sex, boobies, politics, blood, beheadings, flayings, and some rapeyness, but it’s a strongly written character-driven series that’s well worth exploring.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
An Open Letter to Steubenville’s Jane Doe
Dear Jane Doe,
I don’t know your name, and most likely never will. All I know about you is that you are one of the most brave people I’ve ever read about. You were victimized and treated horribly and with no regard, and not just by the two boys who raped you when you were passed out drunk at a party.
You’ve been victimized by the people who took your photo as you were violated, turning your rape into not just a sexual assault but a party game while they looked on and did nothing to save you. You’ve been victimized by your own community, where you are receiving death threats for ruining the lives of those “promising young men.” You’ve been victimized by your peers, by other girls who go on Twitter and call you a slut. You’ve even been victimized by the American media, because CNN reporters were practically choking back tears as Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson were sentenced to a combined three years in juvenile detention for what they did to you. You’ve been victimized by all the rape apologists who point out that the fault is your own, because you were drunk and went to a party with boys.
You’ve even been victimize by politicians who claim that rape isn’t really rape, and that a woman’s body will “shut down” in the case of “legitimate rape,” whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.
What makes me sad is that none of this is new. While the term “rape culture” is a fairly recent one in our society, the fact is that this has been going on for decades. When I was in high school, long before you were born, Jane Doe, this was happening - especially if you go to school in some little Ohio town where football is king.
I remember overhearing Monday morning whispers about Cheerleader X getting drunk at a party Saturday night and being a toy for the whole football team. “Tee hee, what a whore,” everyone giggled. None of us were smart enough or confident enough to know that this was wrong. But I do know it made me thankful that I was unpopular enough not to get invited to a party full of jocks.
Jane Doe, here’s why I want to thank you. Not just for speaking out, not just for being brave, but for something you may be completely unaware of. Your case has CHANGED things.
Your case is, as one blogger put it, rape culture’s Abu Ghraib. Your case is the one that has people up in arms and - dare I say it - angry. Finally, after all these years, people are saying enough is enough. They’re condemning the news media for the shitty, biased, sympathetic coverage of your rapists (because that’s what Mays and Thompson are, no matter what anyone says), and they’re condemning a society in which children are being raised to have no regard for others.
And for once, it’s not just women that are angry. Men are stopping to speak out too. They’re pointing out, and rightfully so, that (a) not all men are rapists but (b) those who are should be treated as rapists, and not fallen heroes.
Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson raped you while you were unconscious and then laughed about it on social media. And still there are people who are sympathetic to their cause. But I’m thankful to say that it looks like finally, the pendulum is beginning to swing the other way. Finally, people are realizing - and not just realizing, but vocalizing - that it doesn’t matter how drunk you were, it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, because NO ONE has the right to rape anyone else.
Your case is one that has parents talking to their children and to each other, about what’s not okay, and more importantly, what to do if you see something happening that’s not okay.
And that, Jane Doe, is because of you.
Someday, you might decide to come forward and tell the world who you are. Or you may not. It's your choice - something you didn't have the night that those boys assaulted you. Either way, you’ve made a difference - and it’s a difference you may not even be aware of, because of all the other people whose lives you’ve impacted.
Let’s face it, it would have been pretty easy for you to keep your mouth shut and never tell a soul, despite the fact that photos were all over Twitter of you being assaulted. You could have pretended it never happened, and let Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson go off to college to play football, where they’d have done the same thing to drunk sorority girls.
But you weren’t silent. You spoke out, and when you were ignored and the police department dropped the ball, others spoke for you.
I know things are awful for you right now, and I know that people are being shitty to you up there in Steubenville. I want you to know that Steubenville and your school are only a very small blip on the microcosm of humanity and the world, and someday you’ll be able to turn around and flip Steubenville and everyone in it a big ol’ Fuck You.
In the meantime, understand that as awful as some people can be, there are so many millions more of us who admire you for your bravery and courage, and can only hope that other young people - both female and male - can be as strong as you have been.
I don’t know your name, and most likely never will. All I know about you is that you are one of the most brave people I’ve ever read about. You were victimized and treated horribly and with no regard, and not just by the two boys who raped you when you were passed out drunk at a party.
You’ve been victimized by the people who took your photo as you were violated, turning your rape into not just a sexual assault but a party game while they looked on and did nothing to save you. You’ve been victimized by your own community, where you are receiving death threats for ruining the lives of those “promising young men.” You’ve been victimized by your peers, by other girls who go on Twitter and call you a slut. You’ve even been victimized by the American media, because CNN reporters were practically choking back tears as Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson were sentenced to a combined three years in juvenile detention for what they did to you. You’ve been victimized by all the rape apologists who point out that the fault is your own, because you were drunk and went to a party with boys.
You’ve even been victimize by politicians who claim that rape isn’t really rape, and that a woman’s body will “shut down” in the case of “legitimate rape,” whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.
What makes me sad is that none of this is new. While the term “rape culture” is a fairly recent one in our society, the fact is that this has been going on for decades. When I was in high school, long before you were born, Jane Doe, this was happening - especially if you go to school in some little Ohio town where football is king.
I remember overhearing Monday morning whispers about Cheerleader X getting drunk at a party Saturday night and being a toy for the whole football team. “Tee hee, what a whore,” everyone giggled. None of us were smart enough or confident enough to know that this was wrong. But I do know it made me thankful that I was unpopular enough not to get invited to a party full of jocks.
Jane Doe, here’s why I want to thank you. Not just for speaking out, not just for being brave, but for something you may be completely unaware of. Your case has CHANGED things.
Your case is, as one blogger put it, rape culture’s Abu Ghraib. Your case is the one that has people up in arms and - dare I say it - angry. Finally, after all these years, people are saying enough is enough. They’re condemning the news media for the shitty, biased, sympathetic coverage of your rapists (because that’s what Mays and Thompson are, no matter what anyone says), and they’re condemning a society in which children are being raised to have no regard for others.
And for once, it’s not just women that are angry. Men are stopping to speak out too. They’re pointing out, and rightfully so, that (a) not all men are rapists but (b) those who are should be treated as rapists, and not fallen heroes.
Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson raped you while you were unconscious and then laughed about it on social media. And still there are people who are sympathetic to their cause. But I’m thankful to say that it looks like finally, the pendulum is beginning to swing the other way. Finally, people are realizing - and not just realizing, but vocalizing - that it doesn’t matter how drunk you were, it doesn’t matter what you were wearing, because NO ONE has the right to rape anyone else.
Your case is one that has parents talking to their children and to each other, about what’s not okay, and more importantly, what to do if you see something happening that’s not okay.
And that, Jane Doe, is because of you.
Someday, you might decide to come forward and tell the world who you are. Or you may not. It's your choice - something you didn't have the night that those boys assaulted you. Either way, you’ve made a difference - and it’s a difference you may not even be aware of, because of all the other people whose lives you’ve impacted.
Let’s face it, it would have been pretty easy for you to keep your mouth shut and never tell a soul, despite the fact that photos were all over Twitter of you being assaulted. You could have pretended it never happened, and let Trent Mays and Ma’lik Thompson go off to college to play football, where they’d have done the same thing to drunk sorority girls.
But you weren’t silent. You spoke out, and when you were ignored and the police department dropped the ball, others spoke for you.
I know things are awful for you right now, and I know that people are being shitty to you up there in Steubenville. I want you to know that Steubenville and your school are only a very small blip on the microcosm of humanity and the world, and someday you’ll be able to turn around and flip Steubenville and everyone in it a big ol’ Fuck You.
In the meantime, understand that as awful as some people can be, there are so many millions more of us who admire you for your bravery and courage, and can only hope that other young people - both female and male - can be as strong as you have been.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I’m Not Bad, I’m Just Drawn That Way
OK, this really irks my tater. A fifteen-year-old Utah girl has been suspended from school because she dyed her hair red. OMG BOTTLE GINGERS!!!
Yes, apparently the school’s principal thinks young Rylee MacKay’s hair is so distracting that no one else will be able to learn. Man, if I had a dollar for every single time I sat in a classroom back in the eighties and thought “Holy crap I’d really love to learn more about algebra but OMG THAT GIRL HAS COLORED HAIR WHARRGGBBLLLLL CAN’T THINK!!”
Rylee has red hair! And it’s not even real! Next thing you know, she might be picking out her own clothes or cutting her own food, and we all know what those things lead to. DANCING.
It must be nice to be the principal at a school that is so full of rainbows and unicorns and lollipops that the biggest discipline problem is a kid’s hair color.
But seriously. Kudos to Rylee’s mom, who was basically like OH HELL NO YOU DON’T, and said, "I absolutely am not going to dye it brown. That is not an option … My daughter feels beautiful with the red hair. Changing her hair really changed her; she really blossomed."
But even more seriously, here’s what gets me going. We live in a society where bullying has become the norm rather than the exception. Schools are constantly addressing the issue of bullying, and for the love of Pete, kids KILL THEMSELVES because they are bullied by other kids.
How in the name of Zeus’ butthole can we say on the one hand “Don’t bully someone because they look different” when a school district is going to suspend a kid BECAUSE SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT?
And the crazy part? Rylee doesn’t look very unusual at all - there are plenty of redheads who were blessed with this shade from birth - but even if she DID, even if her hair was blue and green and she had a glittery horn sticking out of her forehead and a fucking TAIL, it’s not the school’s business to address her physical appearance.
By singling her out for the way she looks, the principal is doing what we call Othering. And if a kid is being Othered for her appearance, chances are good that she’s not the only one. Way to go, Hurricane Middle School, on establishing a culture of acceptance and diversity.
Really, folks. The day we tell teenage girls they can’t color their hair, the terrorists win.
Yes, apparently the school’s principal thinks young Rylee MacKay’s hair is so distracting that no one else will be able to learn. Man, if I had a dollar for every single time I sat in a classroom back in the eighties and thought “Holy crap I’d really love to learn more about algebra but OMG THAT GIRL HAS COLORED HAIR WHARRGGBBLLLLL CAN’T THINK!!”
Rylee has red hair! And it’s not even real! Next thing you know, she might be picking out her own clothes or cutting her own food, and we all know what those things lead to. DANCING.
It must be nice to be the principal at a school that is so full of rainbows and unicorns and lollipops that the biggest discipline problem is a kid’s hair color.
But seriously. Kudos to Rylee’s mom, who was basically like OH HELL NO YOU DON’T, and said, "I absolutely am not going to dye it brown. That is not an option … My daughter feels beautiful with the red hair. Changing her hair really changed her; she really blossomed."
But even more seriously, here’s what gets me going. We live in a society where bullying has become the norm rather than the exception. Schools are constantly addressing the issue of bullying, and for the love of Pete, kids KILL THEMSELVES because they are bullied by other kids.
How in the name of Zeus’ butthole can we say on the one hand “Don’t bully someone because they look different” when a school district is going to suspend a kid BECAUSE SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT?
And the crazy part? Rylee doesn’t look very unusual at all - there are plenty of redheads who were blessed with this shade from birth - but even if she DID, even if her hair was blue and green and she had a glittery horn sticking out of her forehead and a fucking TAIL, it’s not the school’s business to address her physical appearance.
By singling her out for the way she looks, the principal is doing what we call Othering. And if a kid is being Othered for her appearance, chances are good that she’s not the only one. Way to go, Hurricane Middle School, on establishing a culture of acceptance and diversity.
Really, folks. The day we tell teenage girls they can’t color their hair, the terrorists win.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Ten Ways to Be a Good Holiday Shopper
Ten Ways to Be a Good Shopper During the Holidays
The December holidays are nearly upon us, and even though Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Solstice are still a good six weeks away, many of my friends are gleefully rubbing their hands together in anticipation of Black Friday shopping. Everyone claims they think Black Friday is an awful concept, but y’all are still going to do it, and by about noon, at least one of you will have made some poor retail employee hate you. Why? Because while there are plenty of tips on how to get the best deals, there are rarely any suggestions on how to shop without being an asshole.
Thus, gentle reader, as someone who will be at work at 7:30 Friday morning to greet the squeeing masses, I have an early Christmas present for you. Here are some tips on how to be a good shopper - the kind of shopper that makes me think, “Wow, the last ten people were dicks, but this guy was just SO NICE.” Follow these guidelines, and it’s quite possible that you - and the people who are getting paid just slightly more than minimum wage to put up with your shenanigans - will have a much better experience.
Feel free to use these the rest of the year too.
1. Be Patient.
Yeah, I know you’ve been out there in your sleeping bag since 5 am so you could get the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever. So have the other nine hundred people. Guess what. You’re gonna have to wait your turn. Employees will help you when they can. Don’t be a dick, and understand that YOU'RE SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY. No matter how many employees are working, it’s not going to be enough, so suck it up and play Angry Birds on your phone for a few minutes.
2. Read the Fine Print.
If the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever is on sale for a special price, and the ad says down at the bottom “While Supplies Last,” then guess what? After the store runs out, they no longer will be able to give you that special price. If that happens, accept that you didn’t get there in time. Move on, instead of throwing a tantrum.
3. Use Some Common Sense.
Ethel the Employee is helping a customer, she’s also answering the phone, and she’s trying to look up something on a computer while four other people are waiting for her assistance. Walking up behind her and saying “Scuse me I just got a quick question!” is not cool. Use your brain, and get in line like everyone else. There are no quick questions, other than “Where’s the bathroom?”
And it’s along the back wall under the blue Catch-22 sign.
4. Common Sense Part 2
You see an employee wearing a name tag, but also carrying her car keys, a cup of coffee, and her purse. What do you do?
a. Ask her to help you locate that special color Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever that you can’t find because someone just took the last one but you’re sure there’s some in the back even though you've already been told they're all gone.
b. Recognize that she’s probably off the clock and leave her the hell alone.
Choose wisely, young Jedi.
5. Don’t Argue.
Yes, we know the online price for the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever is cheaper than it is in the store. That’s because it’s online, and you have to wait for shipping. You can argue all you want, but that’s not going to make me sell you the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever at the online price. If it makes you feel better, think of the extra cost as your Instant Gratification Tax.
Also, don’t yell at me because I won’t price match, just because you know Best Buy and Target will do it. Best Buy is selling $2500 flat screens, so there’s a bit of wiggle room. You’re buying a six dollar paperback with a 10% Membership Discount and a coupon. How much more of a discount do you think I can give you? Spend the extra $1.03 and move on.
6. Shit Happens.
Sometimes people make mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes will inconvenience you. If a cashier accidentally gives you the wrong change, or the guy at Customer Service points you in the wrong direction, it’s okay. It’s not done out of maliciousness or even incompetence, it’s done because it’s Black Friday and we have nine hundred people in our face screaming because we just ran out of the latest Bill O’Reilly book and there’s not enough coffee in the world to alleviate the hell that we are in. Be patient, wait your turn, and let whoever made the mistake fix it, without you making their day even more miserable.
7. Know What You Want.
My favorite customers, all kidding aside, are the ones who come in with a list. They know exactly what they want, they just need me to show them where it is. Good for you, people - buy your stuff, and continue being awesome. My second favorite customers are the ones who aren’t sure what they want, but they are happy to take suggestions. Need a book for a ten year old boy who reads at an eighth grade level and likes monsters and magic? I’ve got a good dozen ideas for you, here they are, and you can pick which one works best for your little gift recipient.
8. Gift Cards Are Good.
You have to pick out a present for that cousin you haven’t seen in eight years and you have no idea what he likes because you don’t talk to him anyway, but now he’s showing up for Christmas dinner. Great! Seriously, it’s perfectly okay to get him a gift card. Most people love them, because it allows them to go select their very own present at a later date. If you feel weird about it, remember that gift cards help the economy too - we get a sale when you buy the card, and we get a sale when someone comes in to redeem it.
9. Be Prepared.
You’ve done it! You got your Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever and now you’re waiting in line at the cash register. While you’re waiting, it’s a good time to do things like dig out all those coupons and your discount membership card, as well as write out the date and retailer’s name on your check that you’re still using even though everyone except your grandma is using debit cards today. Don’t wait til the last minute to count out your spare change, and don’t ask the cashier to wait while you run and get that damn Elf on the Shelf that you promised to by for little Skippy but you forgot to pick up. Also, if you need gift receipts, tell the cashier BEFORE they start ringing things up, not after you’ve paid and they’re waving the next customer down to the register.
10. Don’t Be an Asshole.
Nothing says Happy Birthday Baby Jesus like making some minimum wage cashier cry. I tell all the new seasonal people at work that they don’t get paid to be abused, and if someone is being mean to them, let a manager (or someone who’s got thicker skin and gives no shits) know about it.
I guarantee you, if you come into my store, and you make an employee cry (especially our poor little Noobs who are on their very first job ever), there is a special place in hell reserved just for you. Try to remember that the whole point of the holidays is to celebrate the love you have for your family and whatever faith it is you follow. Celebrate it by not being an asshole to people who don’t deserve it.
Thus, gentle reader, as someone who will be at work at 7:30 Friday morning to greet the squeeing masses, I have an early Christmas present for you. Here are some tips on how to be a good shopper - the kind of shopper that makes me think, “Wow, the last ten people were dicks, but this guy was just SO NICE.” Follow these guidelines, and it’s quite possible that you - and the people who are getting paid just slightly more than minimum wage to put up with your shenanigans - will have a much better experience.
Feel free to use these the rest of the year too.
1. Be Patient.
Yeah, I know you’ve been out there in your sleeping bag since 5 am so you could get the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever. So have the other nine hundred people. Guess what. You’re gonna have to wait your turn. Employees will help you when they can. Don’t be a dick, and understand that YOU'RE SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY. No matter how many employees are working, it’s not going to be enough, so suck it up and play Angry Birds on your phone for a few minutes.
2. Read the Fine Print.
If the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever is on sale for a special price, and the ad says down at the bottom “While Supplies Last,” then guess what? After the store runs out, they no longer will be able to give you that special price. If that happens, accept that you didn’t get there in time. Move on, instead of throwing a tantrum.
3. Use Some Common Sense.
Ethel the Employee is helping a customer, she’s also answering the phone, and she’s trying to look up something on a computer while four other people are waiting for her assistance. Walking up behind her and saying “Scuse me I just got a quick question!” is not cool. Use your brain, and get in line like everyone else. There are no quick questions, other than “Where’s the bathroom?”
And it’s along the back wall under the blue Catch-22 sign.
4. Common Sense Part 2
You see an employee wearing a name tag, but also carrying her car keys, a cup of coffee, and her purse. What do you do?
a. Ask her to help you locate that special color Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever that you can’t find because someone just took the last one but you’re sure there’s some in the back even though you've already been told they're all gone.
b. Recognize that she’s probably off the clock and leave her the hell alone.
Choose wisely, young Jedi.
5. Don’t Argue.
Yes, we know the online price for the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever is cheaper than it is in the store. That’s because it’s online, and you have to wait for shipping. You can argue all you want, but that’s not going to make me sell you the Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever at the online price. If it makes you feel better, think of the extra cost as your Instant Gratification Tax.
Also, don’t yell at me because I won’t price match, just because you know Best Buy and Target will do it. Best Buy is selling $2500 flat screens, so there’s a bit of wiggle room. You’re buying a six dollar paperback with a 10% Membership Discount and a coupon. How much more of a discount do you think I can give you? Spend the extra $1.03 and move on.
6. Shit Happens.
Sometimes people make mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes will inconvenience you. If a cashier accidentally gives you the wrong change, or the guy at Customer Service points you in the wrong direction, it’s okay. It’s not done out of maliciousness or even incompetence, it’s done because it’s Black Friday and we have nine hundred people in our face screaming because we just ran out of the latest Bill O’Reilly book and there’s not enough coffee in the world to alleviate the hell that we are in. Be patient, wait your turn, and let whoever made the mistake fix it, without you making their day even more miserable.
7. Know What You Want.
My favorite customers, all kidding aside, are the ones who come in with a list. They know exactly what they want, they just need me to show them where it is. Good for you, people - buy your stuff, and continue being awesome. My second favorite customers are the ones who aren’t sure what they want, but they are happy to take suggestions. Need a book for a ten year old boy who reads at an eighth grade level and likes monsters and magic? I’ve got a good dozen ideas for you, here they are, and you can pick which one works best for your little gift recipient.
8. Gift Cards Are Good.
You have to pick out a present for that cousin you haven’t seen in eight years and you have no idea what he likes because you don’t talk to him anyway, but now he’s showing up for Christmas dinner. Great! Seriously, it’s perfectly okay to get him a gift card. Most people love them, because it allows them to go select their very own present at a later date. If you feel weird about it, remember that gift cards help the economy too - we get a sale when you buy the card, and we get a sale when someone comes in to redeem it.
9. Be Prepared.
You’ve done it! You got your Super Ossum Special Deluxe Edition Whatever and now you’re waiting in line at the cash register. While you’re waiting, it’s a good time to do things like dig out all those coupons and your discount membership card, as well as write out the date and retailer’s name on your check that you’re still using even though everyone except your grandma is using debit cards today. Don’t wait til the last minute to count out your spare change, and don’t ask the cashier to wait while you run and get that damn Elf on the Shelf that you promised to by for little Skippy but you forgot to pick up. Also, if you need gift receipts, tell the cashier BEFORE they start ringing things up, not after you’ve paid and they’re waving the next customer down to the register.
10. Don’t Be an Asshole.
Nothing says Happy Birthday Baby Jesus like making some minimum wage cashier cry. I tell all the new seasonal people at work that they don’t get paid to be abused, and if someone is being mean to them, let a manager (or someone who’s got thicker skin and gives no shits) know about it.
I guarantee you, if you come into my store, and you make an employee cry (especially our poor little Noobs who are on their very first job ever), there is a special place in hell reserved just for you. Try to remember that the whole point of the holidays is to celebrate the love you have for your family and whatever faith it is you follow. Celebrate it by not being an asshole to people who don’t deserve it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Summer's Ashes, PLUS a Coupon!
OK, it's finally happened! Summer's Ashes, my middle-grade novel is now available in a digital format! The long version: my publisher went out of business in December 2010 and donated all the remaining print copies to literacy organizations without telling me, so you can't get the book anymore. Short version: Now you can get it.
And yes, that's a different cover than the one on the print version that was released in 2007 - that's because while the text of the book still belongs to me, the cover art belongs to the illustrator who created it. Hence, new cover, all bright and shiny waiting for you to read it!
Description: Fourteen-year-old Kieran Ash is tired of moving to new cities while her widowed mom struggles to find work. When she and her brother discover their late father's magical grimoire, they set into motion a remarkable chain of events. Kieran ends up on Rowan Tree Island, the home of a family she's never met - and a place where the battle between good and evil has been raging for centuries.
Ok, so if you read this far, I have something special for you!
The download is normally $3.99 - but my birthday is coming up, and I want to celebrate by giving you a treat. Download Summer's Ashes between now and the end of the day on Sept. 26, and you can use coupon code KD47X to get it for just $2.99. That's 25% off, just because I like you!
To download Summer's Ashes and take advantage of coupony goodness on my birthday, click here: Summer's Ashes!
Description: Fourteen-year-old Kieran Ash is tired of moving to new cities while her widowed mom struggles to find work. When she and her brother discover their late father's magical grimoire, they set into motion a remarkable chain of events. Kieran ends up on Rowan Tree Island, the home of a family she's never met - and a place where the battle between good and evil has been raging for centuries.
Ok, so if you read this far, I have something special for you!
The download is normally $3.99 - but my birthday is coming up, and I want to celebrate by giving you a treat. Download Summer's Ashes between now and the end of the day on Sept. 26, and you can use coupon code KD47X to get it for just $2.99. That's 25% off, just because I like you!
To download Summer's Ashes and take advantage of coupony goodness on my birthday, click here: Summer's Ashes!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I Am Fucking Tired
One of my most notable memories of my childhood is that of walking in a parade with my mom and the local branch of the League of Women Voters. This was back in the 1970s, when the Equal Rights Amendment was a big issue, and I’m pretty sure that at age ten or so, I had a shirt that read “A Woman’s Place is in the House… and in the Senate.”
So for me, someone raised by parents who were feminists back before it became some kind of dirty word (thanks, Rush Limbaugh, you douchenozzle!), it never even crossed my mind that there might be things I wasn’t allowed to do simply because I don’t have a penis. This is why, after the past few years of watching the ongoing and ever-increasing war on women by the Republican party, I can honestly say I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I don’t even bother trying to counter the arguments anymore, because people that I normally consider intelligent, logical people buy into the lies and the hate and the misogyny and the rhetoric. Seriously, if I was a woman who identified as Republican, I’d be looking at the people representing my party and saying WTF, YO?
As it is, I’m a woman who votes Democratic nearly all the time, because there’s no way on dog’s green earth that I could, in good conscience, vote for a party whose platform includes not only restricting my rights but REMOVING the existing ones.
Because I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I am fucking tired of the rape apologists who spout off a bunch of bullshit, medically incorrect statements as a justification for why they don’t think anyone ever ever EVER should be allowed near an abortion. The worst part of Todd Akin’s whole “legitimate rape doesn’t result in pregnancy” clusterfuck? It implies that if you get pregnant, YOU WEREN’T REALLY RAPED.
I am fucking tired of legislators who are trying to shove their religious beliefs all up into my ladybits, because an iron fist holding a Bible is still an iron fucking fist. Your religion says life begins at conception? No problem. Mine says that the life of a mother is as sacred as the life of an unborn foetus. Deal with it.
I am fucking tired of women being labeled as sluts and whores because they want their insurance to pay for contraception and reproductive health care. This slut fucking votes, you asshats, and I pay my insurance premiums just like you do.
I am fucking tired of people who assume that just because I have a vagina I’m going to support a candidate who ALSO has a vagina. Give us some credit. Women are not stupid. We’re not going to vote for you just because you’re female and have kids and live in the burbs. We’re also not going to vote for your husband because he’s handsome or because he coached Little League. Jesus Christ, people - do you really think we’re idiots? Because if we ARE that moronic and shallow, then we maybe deserve to have our rights stripped away from us, just for being too fucking dumb to fight back.
I am fucking tired of women who are too lazy to get to the polls and vote at all. Of female Americans over the age of eighteen - in other words, old enough to participate in an election - only 66% are registered voters. That’s two thirds of you. As if that’s not horrible enough, only 45% of women bothered to show up and vote at all. Less than half. If you haven’t voted, fucking shame on you.
I am fucking tired of fighting the endless bullshit of people I consider friends who post lies and misinformation perpetuated by the conservative right, all in an effort to discredit those who tell the fucking truth.
I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I shouldn’t have to repeatedly defend my uterus and reproductive organs and rights against people who would, given the opportunity, turn the country I love into the Republic of Fucking Gilead. Not sure what the hell that means? Read Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale.
But you know what? I keep on defending myself and my rights and uterus and the rights of my daughters and everything else that holds value to me, because, as much as the Republican party would like people like me to sit down and shut the fuck up, I can’t do it. I wasn’t raised that way. Because I’m not just fucking tired.
I AM FUCKING ANGRY.
And if you’re not, then you’re part of the problem.
So for me, someone raised by parents who were feminists back before it became some kind of dirty word (thanks, Rush Limbaugh, you douchenozzle!), it never even crossed my mind that there might be things I wasn’t allowed to do simply because I don’t have a penis. This is why, after the past few years of watching the ongoing and ever-increasing war on women by the Republican party, I can honestly say I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I don’t even bother trying to counter the arguments anymore, because people that I normally consider intelligent, logical people buy into the lies and the hate and the misogyny and the rhetoric. Seriously, if I was a woman who identified as Republican, I’d be looking at the people representing my party and saying WTF, YO?
As it is, I’m a woman who votes Democratic nearly all the time, because there’s no way on dog’s green earth that I could, in good conscience, vote for a party whose platform includes not only restricting my rights but REMOVING the existing ones.
Because I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I am fucking tired of the rape apologists who spout off a bunch of bullshit, medically incorrect statements as a justification for why they don’t think anyone ever ever EVER should be allowed near an abortion. The worst part of Todd Akin’s whole “legitimate rape doesn’t result in pregnancy” clusterfuck? It implies that if you get pregnant, YOU WEREN’T REALLY RAPED.
I am fucking tired of legislators who are trying to shove their religious beliefs all up into my ladybits, because an iron fist holding a Bible is still an iron fucking fist. Your religion says life begins at conception? No problem. Mine says that the life of a mother is as sacred as the life of an unborn foetus. Deal with it.
I am fucking tired of women being labeled as sluts and whores because they want their insurance to pay for contraception and reproductive health care. This slut fucking votes, you asshats, and I pay my insurance premiums just like you do.
I am fucking tired of people who assume that just because I have a vagina I’m going to support a candidate who ALSO has a vagina. Give us some credit. Women are not stupid. We’re not going to vote for you just because you’re female and have kids and live in the burbs. We’re also not going to vote for your husband because he’s handsome or because he coached Little League. Jesus Christ, people - do you really think we’re idiots? Because if we ARE that moronic and shallow, then we maybe deserve to have our rights stripped away from us, just for being too fucking dumb to fight back.
I am fucking tired of women who are too lazy to get to the polls and vote at all. Of female Americans over the age of eighteen - in other words, old enough to participate in an election - only 66% are registered voters. That’s two thirds of you. As if that’s not horrible enough, only 45% of women bothered to show up and vote at all. Less than half. If you haven’t voted, fucking shame on you.
I am fucking tired of fighting the endless bullshit of people I consider friends who post lies and misinformation perpetuated by the conservative right, all in an effort to discredit those who tell the fucking truth.
I AM FUCKING TIRED.
I shouldn’t have to repeatedly defend my uterus and reproductive organs and rights against people who would, given the opportunity, turn the country I love into the Republic of Fucking Gilead. Not sure what the hell that means? Read Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale.
But you know what? I keep on defending myself and my rights and uterus and the rights of my daughters and everything else that holds value to me, because, as much as the Republican party would like people like me to sit down and shut the fuck up, I can’t do it. I wasn’t raised that way. Because I’m not just fucking tired.
I AM FUCKING ANGRY.
And if you’re not, then you’re part of the problem.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Bacony Goodness!
Read my latest, Everything's Better With Bacon, over at An Army of Ermas:
I’m pretty sure that in a previous lifetime, I was a dude. Unlike so many of my organic-grass-fed-free-range friends, I am of the philosophy that bacon makes everything better. And if one slice of bacon makes it good, Gentle Reader, then TWO slices turns it into a little bit of pork-flavored heaven. Read Full Article
I’m pretty sure that in a previous lifetime, I was a dude. Unlike so many of my organic-grass-fed-free-range friends, I am of the philosophy that bacon makes everything better. And if one slice of bacon makes it good, Gentle Reader, then TWO slices turns it into a little bit of pork-flavored heaven. Read Full Article
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