Outside the Lines

Jane Austen's Ladies in the Facebook Age

2012-01-25T14:07:00.000-05:00

Wondering what would happen if Lydia Bennett started giving status updates? Or how Emma would react when Harriet's relationship went from "Single" to "It's Complicated"?

Yeah, me too. Read my latest over at An Army of Ermas:

“Why do you read Jane Austen?” someone asked me once. “Isn’t that boring old chick lit?”

Well, no. It’s not boring, and it’s not chick lit either - it’s actually pretty scathing social commentary, and it’s full of useful bits of advice. The wit and wisdom of Jane still has practical applications some two centuries after her death. But what if her novels took place today, in the age of social networking? Read Full Post: Jane Austen's Ladies in the Facebook Age.

Gluten Free No-Bake Rum Balls

2011-12-17T13:35:00.001-05:00

This is a recipe I've been toting around with me and playing with for a couple of decades, and while it's a pretty standard no-bake cookie, I've tweaked it so that it's gluten free. Because what the hell is the point of me making a batch of cookies if I can't nom on the dough in the process?

A quick note - I like to make this with rum (specifically, Cruzan coconut rum, because it's amazeballs), but you can use bourbon if you like. You don't need a lot - just a half cup - so just dig around in your pantry and experiment a little. That's how I do most of my cooking at this point.

Also, if you're not a GF eater, no biggie - use Nilla Wafers instead of trying to hunt down a box of gluten free animal crackers or grahams.

Gluten Free Rum Balls

Here's what you need:

• 3 cups gluten free animal (or graham) crackers, crushed
• 1 cup pecans , chopped fine
• 1 cup powdered sugar (plus extra for coating the cookies)
• 3 tablespoons light Karo (corn) syrup
• 2 1/3 tablespoons cocoa
• 1/2 cup rum

Put your cookies and pecans in a food processor and chop them until they're grainy. The finer the better.

Add the cocoa (I like Nestle's Dark, myself), the Karo syrup, and the powdered sugar. Blend the heck out of it.

Yo ho ho, bitches!

You'll need a half cup of rum. Again, I prefer Cruzan, but hey, whatever trips your trigger. I've used Malibu, and it works just as well. If you don't love coconut, use straight rum or bourbon.

Blendity blendity blend.

Refrigerate your batter for an hour or so. It's going to be wet and sticky, so firming it up is a good idea.

Is your batter firm? Of course it is, because you listened and stuck it in the fridge.

Dump a little powdered sugar in a bowl.

Roll your dough into little balls.This is a lot easier if you put some powdered sugar on your hands to keep the dough from sticking. Plus when you're done you can lick your fingers clean.

You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Roll the dough balls in the powdered sugar.

Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper, toss your cookie balls onto it, and back to the fridge it goes! The longer they sit, the firmer they get, and the more manageable they are.

You'll get about 36 of these out of a batch, if you roll them about 1" in diameter. Less if you eat the dough while you work.

Three for me, and one for you!

Why I'm Pro-Choice

2011-12-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

As our legislators continue to wage their war on our reproductive rights (yes, I’m looking at you, douchey Ohio Republican lawmakers and your vile “Heartbeat Bill”), I frequently feel the need to weigh in on how shitty I think it is that some congressman I’ve never met wants to get all up in my business and tell me what to do (or not do) with my ladyparts. Last time I checked, Roe v. Wade was still part of the law of this country, and that means that women do, at least for now, have the right to terminate a pregnancy. I have always supported, and continued to support, the right of any woman to choose what goes on with her own body. I’d like to share with you why I’m so passionate about this issue.

Now, before I go any further, let me toss out a disclaimer. This post is not about converting you to see my point of view. It’s not about telling anti-choice people why I think they’re misguided or wrong. It’s not about you at all, actually – it’s simply an explanation of my personal views, and where they come from.

Back in 1988, I found myself dealing with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. I was nineteen years old, barely making enough money to pay my own rent, and had briefly dated and slept with a guy I decided I was never going to see again because he was batshit crazy. Precautions? Yeah, they were in place. I was on the Pill.

I was also on antibiotics for a sinus infection, which no one bothered to tell me can render the effects of birth control pills null and void. One missed period later, I was faced with the fact that I was pregnant and in no position to raise or support a child.

Did I mention the guy was batshit crazy? Yeah. He was. He was also in the military, which meant the best possible scenario was for him to go somewhere far away where I’d never have to see him again, and that’s exactly what happened. So there I was, alone, poor, and facing the idea of raising a kid alone.

I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t want a kid, and more importantly, I didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place. Sure, I could have had the kid and put it up for adoption, but that’s only a solution for women who don’t want to be mothers, not for women who don’t want a pregnancy. I was on the Pill, but due to a sad lack of information, still found myself in a hell of a bind.

I know there are countless stories of women who wrestled for weeks, even months, with the choice to end a pregnancy. I wasn’t one of them. I decided almost immediately that I needed to terminate this pregnancy. I booked an appointment at the local clinic, had my preliminary appointment to make sure I was indeed pregnant (I was not quite six weeks along), and scheduled my procedure for the very next day. I borrowed $250 from a good friend – because that’s what it cost back then – and within a few hours, I was no longer pregnant.

The abortion itself was not as traumatic as people make it out to be. I had all the information made available to me, and it was, quite simply a medical procedure that caused some minor physical discomfort. I went home, napped for a full day, and resumed my life, child-free once more. And you know what?

I have never, ever regretted that decision. I went on to have a full and productive life. I went to school, met the man who would eventually become the father of my oldest child, divorced him, and had an interesting string of career changes. I met my current husband, who has the patience of a saint and with whom I have twins, and carved out a niche for myself as a writer. Sure, I could have given birth to that unexpected child back in 1988, but that wasn’t what I wanted or needed at that time, and my life would have turned out very differently had I done so.

So, am I pro-choice because I had an abortion? No, I’m pro-choice because somewhere out there is a nineteen-year-old with a shitty job and an asshole crazy boyfriend who just saw a little plus sign on the pee stick, and because she should have the same right to choose that I did back in 1988. She shouldn’t be forced to carry a pregnancy to term, any more than I was. And according to the laws of this land, she does still have the right to choose what to do with her own body.

I’m pro-choice because if we can be outraged about countries like China that tell women they can only have two children, then we have no right to turn around and tell women they MUST have children. An unwanted pregnancy is an unwanted pregnancy, and no amount of bullying by anti-choice activists is going to change that. No posters or slideshows of aborted fetuses is going to make a woman love a child she never wanted to have in the first place.

My oldest daughter is nineteen – the same age I was when I chose to terminate a pregnancy – and she’s amazing. Her brother and sister just turned twelve, and they make me laugh every day. These are the children I chose to have, the ones I chose to give birth to, and they mean so much more to me than the one I opted not to carry back in 1988.

You don’t have to agree with me, and I’m not even going to try to change your mind if you don’t. All I know is that for me, at that time in my life, I made the right decision. And if I can accept my choice, then it doesn’t matter if anyone else likes it or not.

Stats: Who Are These Women Who Have Abortions, Anyway?

Easy Peppermint Bark

2011-12-06T18:26:00.000-05:00

I love candy - who doesn't? - but I don't love making it, because I have what is politely known as a Very Short Attention Span. Especially around the holidays, when I'm trying to do nine million other things, I just do not have time to stand around a pot of goopy sugar making sure that it forms a ball at the correct temperature.

Hence, the awesomeness of Peppermint Bark. You can whip this together with little to no work, and I make it using stuff I have in my pantry already. And of course, it's gluten free. Dig in, and nom nom nom to your heart's content.

Here's what you'll need:

1 pound white chocolate
A dozen candy canes
Some Baker's chocolate

Also have some parchment paper on hand.

Melt the white chocolate in your microwave. A quick note here: White chocolate can and WILL burn if you don't stop periodically to stir it. You know, like if you get distracted updating your Facebook page or sending naughty texts to your ... you know what, never mind. Just go stir your chocolate. Four to five minutes ought to do it. Stir halfway through!

Put your candy canes in a Zippy bag. Why? Because you're going to demolish the heck out of them with a hammer. This is actually really good therapy during the holidays. Trust.

Oh yeah - put a cutting board underneath the Zippy Bag. Otherwise your kitchen counters will get effed up, and you'll have to remodel your entire kitchen.

12 candy canes + hammer = 1 Cup little peppermint chunkers

OK, remember that white chocolate we melted, in between dirty text messages and Facebook updates? Stir about 3/4 of the peppermint chunks into the chocolate.

Blendity blendity blend.

Line a 9 x 13 baking pan with parchment paper, and dump your white chocolate peppermint blend. Smear it around so it goes all the way to the corners. Take that last 1/4 Cup of peppermint chunks and sprinkle it on the top. Now go stick the whole thing in the freezer for about half an hour. This way it firms up nice and fast.

Melt some of your baking chocolate (about 2 squares ought to do it) and use the tines of a fork to drizzle it all over the top of your nice firm white chocolate peppermint.

Back to the freezer for another half hour!

Lift the solid wall of peppermint awesomeness out of the pan with the parchment paper, and break it up into little bite-sized pieces.

Store it in an airtight container, or just eat the whole damn thing in one sitting. Don't call me if you go into a sugar coma.

Looks so pretty and festive! Bite me, Martha Stewart!

Figuring Out What Counts

2011-12-03T13:28:00.000-05:00

Stop stressing and just have fun instead.

This morning, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she and her fiancé had just done their budget for the month, and they’re not going to be able to give anyone Christmas gifts – not even each other. She’s had a rough year due to some health issues, and I know things are hard right now. But it made me sad, because I hate that our society has turned the holiday season into something so stressful that people feel obligated to give others presents.

Now, a brief disclaimer – I’m a tree-huggin’ dirt worshiper, but I do recognize that no matter what you celebrate – whether it’s Yule/Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Festivus – you should never feel pressured to the point of despair. If this is supposed to be a season of joy, why make yourself sick over it?

A few years ago, my family decided to take a very low-key approach to the holidays. This was due, in part, to having a pair of twin birthdays the second week of December. Coming just a couple of weeks before Christmas, it just became overwhelming. The stress – birthday party, birthday presents times two, Christmas decorating, gift shopping, holiday parties, OMG WE FORGOT A TREE – it all became too much. So we just stopped. It’s not that I don’t care about the holidays, it’s just that if it makes you miserable, you’re missing the whole point of the celebration.

So, in the interest of both saving money and keeping ourselves from having a nervous breakdown, here are some tips on how to survive the holidays. Some of this is from my article over at About.com, How to Have aLow Stress Yule.

Quit Worrying About Presents:

Your friends don’t care if you buy them something. They love you no matter what. So, if you can’t afford to give them presents, do something else. Let everyone know how much you value their friendship and company by holding an informal potluck dinner sometime in December. Everyone brings a dish to share, and NO ONE brings presents. Or better yet, do an upcycled gift exchange, where everyone brings one wrapped re-gift to exchange. I did this one year and ended up with a pair of monkeys having sex in a snow globe while “Love Me Tender” played in the background, and someone else got a Chia Head that looked like Engelbert Humperdinck. Put “It’s a Wonderful Life” in the DVD player, eat some noms, and hang out for some good times with people who love you.

You really feel like you need to give someone a present? Get in the kitchen and whip up some cookies, pies, breads, or candies. Dig out that sewing machine and stitch up some handmade goodies. They will be appreciated far more than that Sex Monkey Snow Globe, believe me.

Set Limits:

Are you in charge of the community coat drive, the local toy roundup, and getting your entire PTO's fundraiser up and running? Step back. Be willing to say "No" when someone asks you to commit more time and energy than you have to give. We all want to help others at this time of year, but if you take on more than you really are capable of, you'll become resentful and angry - and that's no way to spend the holidays. Learning to say "No" might be the best gift you can give yourself this year.

Ditch The Decorations:

Do you and your significant other fight for three weeks about who’s going to hang the lights, and what day the tree goes up? Quit worrying about it. I have one friend who puts up FOUR trees in her house each year, and it’s a source of endless amusement to me and endless stress to her. I didn’t have a tree at all last year because I took the kids to visit my parents, and this year, we may just skip it altogether. After all, it’s just going to get tossed out a few days after the holidays are over, and it’s one more thing for the dog to eat and barf up later. I think I’ll just hang a wreath, put out a few vintage woodland Santas and a Yule Log, and call it a day.

Figure Out What The Holidays Mean to You:

If you’re a Pagan like me, this time of year represents the return of the sun – it’s a time of hope and renewal. It’s not supposed to be a time when I’m freaking out about whether or not I bought Just the Right Gift for someone I only see once in a blue moon. It’s a time to think about giving to others, not because I *have* to, but because it’s a nice thing to do. And that giving can include gifts, or my time and energy. It’s why my kids and I take a day to go pick out toys for the local fire department’s holiday toy drive. And yeah, it’s totally self-centered, I do it because it makes me feel good.

If you’re a Christian, and you’re celebrating the birth of Jesus as the reason for the season, then take some time to think about what message you want to share. Does fighting over who gets the last Kinect at WalMart really say HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY JESUS? I think probably not.

Take the teachings of your belief system – whatever it may be – and celebrate them. Keeping things minimalist is a good way to remind us what really matters – and what’s all trappings.

Decompress:

When you're feeling overwhelmed in the middle of the season, and you know you still have things that need to get done, take a break. Turn off the phone, shut the door, and go have some Me Time. Take a power nap, go to the gym and beat the shit out of something, or have high-quality recreational sex with someone you find attractive. Doesn’t matter what, just do something OTHER than think about the holidays for a while.

Recognize Burnout:

A big problem many people seem to have is they just fail to realize they're burning themselves out. Stress creeps up on us, and then we tend to justify it by saying, "Well, it's the holidays." Learn to recognize the signs of burnout, and react accordingly. Some signs include:

Depleted levels of physical energy
Lowered immune system, feeling run-down or ill
Lack of interest in things that you normally enjoy
Decreased sex drive
Negative, pessimistic outlook
Anger directed at people who don't deserve it, like kids and sales clerks

If you start seeing these behaviors in yourself, it's time to take a step back and recognize that you're stressing out. Now that you've discovered the problem, take time to fix it, so that you and the people around you can have a happy and healthy season. Don’t be the person who screams at the grocery bagger because he forgot to say MERRY CHRISTMAS, because then you’re not only stressed out, you’re an asshole.

A Final Note:

This is to my friend whose post triggered this whole thing. Listen, sweetie – we all have rough years. Some more than others. But you are loved, very much, and none of us are going to love you LESS just because times are tough. If we did that, we’d be shitty friends. You and your honey can stop worrying about giving people presents. You’ve got each other, and you’ve got all of us. Merry Christmas.

Baked Spaghetti Squash

2011-11-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

OK, so if you're eating gluten-free, you've probably figured out right now that traditional spaghetti is off the menu. Sure, you can buy GF pasta, like the brown rice noodles, and they're not bad, but if you're trying to watch your weight or ramp up on your vegetable consumption, the Spaghetti squash presents a really awesome alternative. The first time I served this, my kids didn't really know they were eating a vegetable. The whole point of the Spaghetti squash is that when baked, the strands inside separate like noodles - and you can use it just like pasta.

Baked Spaghetti Squash

This is a Spaghetti squash. A healthy one is plump, pale yellow, and about the size of a large football. If you buy two, you can prepare one to eat, and throw the other one at your children to watch hilarity ensue.

You'll also need half a stick of butter, some garlic, oregano, and Parmesan cheese. Don't use that powdery shit in a can - I don't know what it is, but it's horrible. Get the good stuff.

Cut the squash in half and scrape out the goop and seeds. You can either pitch these, or toss them in your compost bin like I do.

Place your two halves, open side up, in a baking dish.

Slice the butter, and plop it into the middle of your squash halves.

Sprinkle as much oregano as you can stand onto the squash, along with garlic. Lots of garlic. Yummy chopped garlic.

Cover the baking dish with aluminum foil, and bake at 350 for about an hour.

When you take it out of the oven, grate up your Parmesan cheese and sprinkle it on top. Again, go ahead and get the good stuff. It's worth it, and although you may pay a little more for a brick of good Parm, it's a zillion times better than the powdery cheese-flavored Anthrax-like mutation that they sell in those green cans.

Using a fork, scrap the insides out of the squash, pulling it away from the skin. You'll notice that it comes apart in long, pasta-like strands - hence the name, Spaghetti squash. You can serve it like this, with the butter and garlic and oregano and cheese, or toss some of your favorite spaghetti sauce on top of it. Either way, it's pretty much awesomeness.

Delicata Squash with Kale & Beans

2011-11-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

Many of you have heard me rave about the awesomeness of Delicata squash, which is a light and tasty fall veggie. The nice thing about the Delicata is that the skin is very thin, and when baked, it's tender -- you don't even have to peel it. Just give it a good washing before you start chopping, and you're good to go.

This is a salad that I like to make ahead of time and let sit overnight - although you can serve it warm, it seems like the flavors blend really well if you let it park in the fridge for a few hours. It's super easy to make, but it looks really pretty so when your friends admire it, you can say, "Oh, well, first I lovingly harvested the Delicata squash and the kale..." when really you probably just bought them at Kroger, which is okay too.

Delicata Squash with Kale & Beans

This is what the Delicata squash looks like in its natural habitat, my backyard. You'll need one of these. You'll also need a can of cannellini beans, a handful of kale, some garlic, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, lemon juice, and some salt and pepper.

It's also a good idea to use parchment paper if you have it.

Wash your Delicata squash, cut it in half, and scrape the seeds out of the middle. If you toss them in your compost bin, you'll get rogue Delicatas next year, which is how I ended up with this one.

Slice the halves into pieces about a half inch thick. You can go thinner if you like, but then you'll need to watch them in the oven to make sure they don't burn. If you're someone who typically uses your smoke alarm as an oven timer, go with the thicker cut.

Let's talk about garlic, baby. This is what it should look like. It should not look like little white mouse poops floating in a sea of olive oil. Get yourself some nice big fat garlic cloves, as many as you like, and chunk them up. Use the flat side of your knife to mash them, and then mince.

Toss the squash slices, the garlic, about 1/4 Cup balsamic and about 1/4 C olive oil together in a bowl. Make sure all your squash is coated with the balsamic and oil - otherwise, you get dry squash.

Place a piece of parchment paper on a baking sheet, and spread the squash out into a single layer. Bake at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Hey! That's a tongue twister! Say it with me: "place a piece of parchment paper" five times, really fast. G'head, I'll wait.

Rinse and drain your cannellini beans.

Tear up your kale into little pieces, and mix them in with your beans.

As soon as you take the squash out of the oven, dump it in the bowl. The heat from the squash will wilt the kale. Toss everything together. A little more oil and balsamic if you like, as well as a splash of lemon juice, and season to taste with salt and pepper.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Gluten Free Cream-Cheese Filled Pumpkin Muffins

2011-11-24T12:39:00.001-05:00

Muffins + cream cheese = nom nom nom.

So it's Thanksgiving, and since I've never been allowed to cook a turkey - other family members always insist on doing it - my job is to prepare the side dishes. My instructions this year were simple - bring a green vegetable. Well, I could have made a salad or something, but instead I decided to live it up a little bit - after all, food should be a celebration - and put together two veggies and a dessert. Why the dessert?

Because as much as I love my in-laws, I know there will be four or five different desserts on the table, none of which I can eat. Thanks, gluten intolerance!

So I decided I was going to make some kind of GF Thanksgivingy treat - and do so using only crap in my pantry, because I didn't want to set foot within a two mile radius of my grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving, when hordes of frustrated moms were fighting over the last two cans of cranberry flavored goop and confused dads on their way home from work would be asking me what kind of corn they were supposed to get. Just not in the mood to handle that much drama.

Anyway, I had a box of King Arthur Flour's basic muffin mix, a zillion cans of pumpkin, and some cream cheese. This sounds like dessert to me. If you haven't tried the KAF muffin mix, pick up a box. It's for making a very plain muffin, but it forms a great foundation to throw some extra stuff in. And I'm all about throwing extra stuff in, so you know I was all over this.

Also, I want to apologize in advance for the poor quality of some of the photos in this post - MY camera apparently went to Coshocton this morning in my husband's hunting pack so I had to use my 11-year-old's camera, which seems to lend things an odd yellowish cast, as though I was preparing food using my Jaundiced Liver Disease Glasses. However, I can't complain too much about him taking the camera, because on the off chance he manages to shoot me some dinner while sitting in a tree this morning, I'll then have the luxury of posting Before and After photos of my venison recipes - you know, if "before" means "Bambi's mom frolicking in a forest eating nuts and berries."

OK, so here we go.

Gluten Free Cream Cheese Pumpkin Muffins:

Here's what you'll need:

1 box King Arthur Flour GF Muffin Mix
1 can pumpkin (you'll only use half)
Half a stick butter, melted
3 eggs

1/2 Cup milk
Cinnamon
Sugar
1 8-oz pack cream cheese, softened
1 Cup powdered sugar

The night before, you'll want to go ahead and make the delicious cream cheese filling. Yes, the photo is bad, but trust me, it's tasty. Blend the cream cheese and the powdered sugar together, and then shape it into a log. Wrap it in plastic and toss it in the fridge overnight.

And yes, I'm well aware that this looks like something from the Food Network Sex Toy Collection. Stop judging me.

OK, so now your Cream Cheese Log is firmed up in the fridge. Go ahead and mix together your eggs, your melted butter, and your half can of pumpkin.

Add the muffin mix and blend it till all the dry stuff is mixed in, and then gradually pour in the milk. Blendity blendity blend. At this point, it should be a lovely orangey pumpkiny color.

Grease up some muffin tins. This recipe will give you a good 16 large muffins. You know, if you can try not to eat the batter, in which case, you might get five muffins instead. Use a scooper to fill each tin about halfway. The batter is thick, so make sure you smear it around and cover the bottom of the muffin cup.

Go get your Food Network Sex Toy Cream Cheese Log out of the fridge. Cut it into 16 equal chunks. Drop a chunk onto the center of each muffin cup, right in the middle of the batter.

Use the rest of the batter to fill the rest of the muffins up. Make sure you cover up all the cream cheese, or Very Bad Things can happen in your oven. Bad things of Vesuvian proportions.

Sprinkle a bit of cinnamon and sugar over the top of your muffins, and bake at 350 for 22 - 25 minutes or so.

Let your muffins cool for about ten minutes before you try to eat them. Seriously - do you KNOW what happens to cream cheese when you bake it into a muffin at 350 degrees? It reaches temperatures only rivaled by volcanic lava, Allentown steel mill production lines, and the sun.

DO NOT BITE.

Trust us, my precious. Trust us.

Once your muffins have cooled enough not to burn the hell out of your lips, tongue, and esophagus, dig in. They're super tasty, and your non-gluten-free eater friends will be asking you for the recipe. Send 'em on ovah.

Getting Thrifty

2011-11-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

Yep, someone on my list is getting a jelly mold shaped like a lobster for Christmas. Is it you? Read my latest post over at An Army of Ermas:

Getting Thrifty

I’m not a very good shopper. My friends tell me I shop like a guy – I know what I want, I walk in, I buy it, and I leave. Shopping is a “Wham-bam-thank-you-Kohl’s” experience for me – other than cute shoes and pretty lingerie, there aren’t many things I really dig shopping for.

And yet, I love the thrift store. My thrift store – and by “my,” I mean, the one I go to because it’s convenient and huge and full of good stuff that nobody wants anymore – is housed in a former K-Mart, so it’s basically several acres of stuff. It’s in no particular order, although the women’s stuff is one side, the men’s on the other, and allegedly it’s all arranged by size. There are no fitting rooms, so everything is a crap shoot, unless I plan ahead and wear a ... Read Full Post

Get Your Bad Austen On, Baby

2011-11-15T16:55:00.000-05:00

Bad Austen is finally out, and features not one, but TWO ridiculously silly stories by me - Foolishness and Folly, as well as The Perilous Plot at Pemberley, in which Georgianna Darcy gets the Scooby Doo treatment. I only wish I was kidding.

As if that wasn't fabulous enough, there's also a disco-delicious tale, Willoughby's Boogie Nights, by the awesomesauce Stacey Isbell Graham.

Bad Austen: The Worst Stories Jane Never Wrote
Edited by Peter Archer and Jennifer Lawler
ISBN 978-1-4405-1185-1

Barnes & Noble: Bad Austen - the Worst Stories Jane Never Wrote

What? You want MORE Austen action? No worries - you can still download my Austen-inspired short story, The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet, for just 99¢.

The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet
a Short Story by Patti Wigington
ISBN 978-1-4657-4018-2

Smashwords: The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet

or

Barnes & Noble: The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet (nookbook)

And just because I'm feeling Jane-alicious today, you should totally go watch the Jane Austen Fight Club video.

We are, after all, no longer "good society."

Handyman's Special

2011-10-14T21:25:00.000-04:00

It's October, and that can only mean one thing - the Ermas are gettin' their spooky on!

Handyman's Special

The house sat waiting, and watching.

It had been a good two decades since anyone had dared set foot within, and the house was getting lonely. The last people to inhabit it had left long ago, fleeing in the middle of the night, taking only the clothes they had worn to bed and nothing more. Their name had been Olsen. Before the Olsens, there had been the Romaletti family. They had fled in the night too, sometime in the spring of 1991, as had the ... [Read the Full Article]

Facebook, Breast Cancer, and Why I'm Flashin' My Rack

2011-10-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

I like playing on Facebook. It's the perfect social interaction for those of us who don't have time to actually socialize much. I can update 312 people in less time than it takes me to make a single phone call, and I love that.

One of the downsides of social networking, though, is the "awareness trends." By gods, I hate them with the hatred of a thousand hatey suns. It's the repetitive copy'n'pasting of "If you know someone who _____ then we need to find a cure for _____ and only 3% of people will have the (select one: courage, heart, gonads) to repost this! XOXOXOX heart heart heart." It's slacktivism at it's finest, the idea that somehow copy'n'pasting a status will help cure the disease du jour.

The type of "awareness trend" I hate the most, however, is the ones that start out as an message between women and all their girlfriends. "Post your favorite color/purse/shoe size/bodytemperature as your status to raise awareness for _____! Tee hee, don't tell the men!" And it always leads to 950 posts by people saying, "Purple! In the closet! 98!" But worse yet, it doesn't DO anything. Posting your bra size or the color of your socks or the name of your favorite childhood cartoon character doesn't do anything. It doesn't HELP anyone who has cancer, or diabetes, or who's being abused as a child. It just makes people feel like YAY I HALPED when really all they did was take up bandwidth and clutter my news feed.

It's not increasing awareness. Seriously - is there anyone who's NOT aware that breast cancer exists? Like some guy is reading his Facebook page and all of a sudden goes "OMG your purse is green? Thank goodness, now I'm aware of cancer!"

Here's the thing - if you really want to help someone who has cancer, get your ass over to their house and make dinner. Offer to watch their kids so they don't have to drag a couple of toddlers to a doctor's appointment. Come over and clean the house while they're too weak from chemo to stand.

Don't know anyone who has cancer? No problem - donate money to one of the reputable organizations that funnels money into cancer research. Because all the bullshit "awareness" doesn't mean anything if there's no money to make cancer - or these other diseases - go away. There are plenty of places you can donate money, but the one I pitch in to each year is the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Next year in the spring, I'll be running in their annual Race for the Cure, but for now, I'm helping out by flashin' my boobs.

Yes. I'm flashing my boobs for money. The Tenth Annual Blogger Boobiethon is here, and they're collecting boobs and cash. Why? Because people like to look at boobs, and they'll pay money for it - and that money goes straight to either Komen or the Wendy's Cancer Relief Fund, to help with breast cancer research.

Silly? Yeah. But my boobs look pretty good, and if displaying them gets someone to donate $10 bucks to Komen, good enough for me. Because talking about your bra on Facebook is fine and dandy, but no one donates shit for it. Do you HAVE to donate to see the boobies on Boobiethon? Not at all. But you can. And I hope you do. Because donating money is a hell of a lot more useful than giggling about the color of your purse:

Second pair down, in the blue bra: Boobiethon 2011

They Call It Puppy Love

2011-09-28T16:11:00.000-04:00

We've got a new addition here at Casa de Wigington, and his name is Bandit -- he's floppy and sweet and full of fun. Read about how he came to live with us at my latest Army of Ermas contribution:

An Army of Ermas: They Call It Puppy Love

Two years ago, we lost our beloved golden Labrador, Tanner, to cancer, leaving us with a single dog, our goofy Retriever mix, Brisco. After Tanner died, Brisco helped fill that dog-shaped hole in our hearts. Then we noticed he was getting kind of lazy. A three-year-old dog probably should be doing dog things – chasing the cats, digging holes in my herb garden, hunting for cheese -- not ... [Read Full Article]

Puffball Mushrooms = Nom Nom Noms from the Woods

2011-09-26T18:09:00.000-04:00

About a month ago I started running (which is one of the reasons I got slack and haven't blogged much lately) and the place I run is a park that has some really awesome trails. It's nice because there's hardly ever anyone there in the mornings, so often it's just me and some squirrels and the occasional deer. Because the trails go through the woods, I get to see a lot of neat stuff -- Buckeye trees, chipmunks yipping at me, an old blind groundhog waddling along and bumping into stuff. The best thing I've found so far is the puffball mushroom.

Now, the puffball mushroom can get big -- I've found some that were the size of my own head. However, they seem to have the best flavor when they're about the size of a softball - they're nice and tender and soft, and they cook up beautifully.

There are a couple of things to keep in mind if you find a puffball - first, make sure it's really a puffball mushroom. There's one that is similar which has slightly brainy-looking striations on it, and it's toxic as hell. If you're not sure that you've got a real puffball, cut it open down the middle. If there are brown lines or a distinct stalk inside it, get rid of it, because it ain't a puffball.

The second thing to remember is that puffballs tend to grow in the same place each year, and they often grow in clusters. If you've found several, just take one - leave the rest for the next person to come along.

Finally, remember that some parks do not permit you to remove things like this. Now, I would never ever tell anyone to do anything illegal, but I can tell you that a puffball the size of a softball fits perfectly inside a hooded sweatshirt and you can pretend it's your right boob. Just sayin'.

OK, so enough about that. What the heck do you DO with a puffball mushroom? Well, you eat it! They have a nice, earthy, woody flavor to them, and there are a couple of things you can do with them. For starters, you can slice them about an inch thick and toss them on a grill, like a steak. They're amazing.

Or you can saute them for lunch like I did:

Take one puffball mushroom.

Make sure it's really a puffball - the inside looks like a cross between styrofoam and a marshmellow.

Throw it in a pan with a chopped onion, some green peppers and a piece of kielbasa sausage that your kids refused to eat for dinner the night before.

Add a splorp of steak sauce and cook it all up until it's nice and soft.

Enjoy the hell out of it, because it's amazing.

Big-Ass Carrots and What to Do With Them

2011-09-26T17:44:00.000-04:00

I've never planted carrots before, but I decided I'd give it a shot this year to see how well they did in our soil. Around here the dirt is kind of a crapshoot - I never know from one side of the yard to the other what's going to be producing and what's going to be like the freakin' Sahara desert. At any rate, the other day I noticed that the carrots were looking pretty bushy - and I was having a hankering for carrots -- so I dug them up.

Holy guacamole, Batman. These are some big-ass carrots.

No, really, I'm talking about BIG.

That's like the Carrot That Ate Cleveland right there.

So there I am with a big basket of Big Ass Carrots -- about four pounds of them -- and wondering what to do with them. After all, you can only dip so many carrots in ranch dressing before it becomes boring, so I decided to do two things. The first was candied carrots for dinner:

Candied Carrots

2 lbs carrots, washed and peeled
Butter
Salt
Brown Sugar

Chunk your carrots up into pretty little pieces. Melt the butter in a saute pan over low heat, and toss in the carrots. Coat them so they're all nice and shiny. Add a pinch of salt and cook until the carrots are soft -- in fact, if you let them get a little bit translucent, it's even better.

Add the brown sugar, and stir it all up until it's melty and good. Yum. Candied carrots.

After I made candied carrots for dinner I still had a bunch of Big Ass Carrots left. I decided to use my cool new Ninja Chopper and make a carrot smoothie to drink for breakfast the next day, and it was amazing.

Carrot Smoothie

2 lbs carrots, washed and peeled
3 C orange juice
1/4 C fresh ginger (or about 1 Tbs powdered)

Toss them all in your chopper/blender thingie and puree the hell out of it. The smoothie is more pulpy than my kids liked, but I thought it was delicious and it filled me up. Dig in and enjoy.

I'm Giving Away Free Stuff!

2011-09-26T16:57:00.000-04:00

Everyone likes free things, and when those free things are books, it's even better. I've won a couple of really neat things thanks to online contests hosted by authors and publishers - my most recent being a super cool tote bag and a copy of Barton Seaver's For Cod and Country cookbook. So, in the spirit of Giving Stuff Back a little bit, I'm going to host a contest here on Outside the Lines. It's my birthday today, so instead of me getting presents, I'm going to give YOU some.

Here's what I'm giving away to one lucky and randomly-selected winner. You get:

1. A copy of my novel, MacFarlane's Ridge (your choice of paperback or digital download)
2. A copy of my kids' book, Pirate's Alphabet
3. A copy of my teen novel, Summer's Ashes

Yes, you get ALL THREE if you win! Yay!

You can earn multiple entries into the contest by doing one or more of the tasks below. The more you do, the more chance you have of winning. The contest begins today (September 26) and ends on Monday, October 3. The winner will be chosen by the Random NumberTron Select-o-Matic Generator on Tuesday, October 4.

You must leave a separate comment telling me what you've done for each entry.

1 - Follow this blog (or let me know in the comments that you're already following it) = 1 entry

2 - Subscribe via email (or let me know in the comments that you're already subscribed) = 1 entry

3 - Like my Patti Wigington - Author page on Facebook (again, let me know in the comments) = 1 entry

4 - Follow me on Twitter = 1 entry (be sure to include your Twitter name in your comment)

5 - Tweet this post, share on Facebook, stumble it, blog about it, etc = 1 entry each

And here's the most important part of all: be SURE you put your email address in your comments, like so: joe_blow [at] somedomain [dot] com. Because if you win free stuff, you don't want to miss out on it because I had no way to contact you, do you?

Alrighty, get to sharin' and then tell me what you've done!

Jane-iac Powers, Activate!

2011-08-16T18:05:00.000-04:00

Why, yes, I do have a Jane Austen action figure on my desk. Why do you ask?

But seriously, did you know that the Adams Media Bad Austen anthology is on its way soon? True fact! And you can preorder a copy from Barnes & Noble. Bad Austen features not one, but TWO ridiculously silly stories by me - Foolishness and Folly, as well as The Perilous Plot at Pemberley.

Bad Austen: The Worst Stories Jane Never Wrote
Edited by Peter Archer and Jennifer Lawler
ISBN 978-1-4405-1185-1

It should ship in November, and let me tell you, Jane would be ~~horrified~~ ~~appalled~~ all astonishment at what we've done.

Pre-order yours today!

Barnes & Noble: Bad Austen - the Worst Stories Jane Never Wrote

Can't wait until November to get a bit of Austen action? No worries - you can still download my Austen-inspired short story, The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet, for just 99¢.

Today is An Army of Ermas Day!

2011-08-09T09:00:00.011-04:00

When I was a kid, I was an advanced reader. In 1970's terminology, this means "finished the kids' section at the library before age eight." Fortunately, I was the spawn of parents that were avid readers themselves. They let me check out books from the grownup section, and they had a wall of books in the rec room, which meant I had immediate access to all kinds of things that many adults would have been astonished to see children reading.

Inevitably, I gravitated towards Erma Bombeck. Partly, it was the hilarious titles that drew me in. I was smart enough to know what a septic tank was and just WHY the grass was greener above it. I understood the pun involved with cherries and life being the pits. So there were plenty of times when I lay curled in my bed to read about Erma's adventures (her name was pretty funny, too) in suburbia, with PTO moms, Little League, kids, and her long-suffering husband. Even as a ten-year-old, I knew that Erma was funny.

Fast forward about thirty or so years, when I got an email from Stacey Graham, about a new project she was starting up. Stacey and I have "known" each other online for several years, thanks to being part of Absolute Write. We've hit it off pretty much from the beginning, and watched each others' careers and lives evolve. Stacey's a busy woman - in addition to raising a tribe of amazing daughters who all look just like her, she is a fellow Jane Austen addict who hunts ghosts, cooks a ton of granola, comes up with zombie haiku, and writes some pretty nifty books.

So all of a sudden Stacey announces that she's got this idea. And it had nothing to do with zombies or granola.

In fact, it had to do with living everyday life, and finding the humor in it. It was an idea for a collection of pretty entertaining people to put together a collection of pretty funny stories, touching on all the things that make our lives what they are. Kids, spouses, jobs, road trips -- in fact, it was a project that Erma Bombeck herself would be proud of. In an homage to Erma's sense of humor, Stacey's idea was that we were putting together an entire Army of Ermas, of all different backgrounds, shapes and sizes -- and yes, there are even a few Dude Ermas.

When I first heard about it, I was pretty busy with other projects (yes, National Novel Writing Month, I'm lookin' at YOU) and was unable to commit right off the bat. Within a couple of months of seeing other contributions, I thought to myself that this was indeed something I wanted to be part of, and so I made the time to participate. I'm in good company, with a number of folks who make me laugh out loud every time I read their words.

I'm honored to be an Erma. It's a chance for someone who grew up reading Erma Bombeck's stories to pay a little bit of tribute to one of the great humor writers of her generation. Equally important, it's a chance for me to be part of a project I truly enjoy, with people I genuinely like and respect. Stacey, thanks for that. Thanks for letting me hang out on the nice little green patch over the septic tank.

And the rest of you, if you haven't had a chance yet, go check out our little corner of the Internet at An Army of Ermas, and thank Stacey for all the hard work she's put into this amazing and hilarious project!

Want to read some more Ermas in the wild? Visit these other contributors, and see how they're celebrating An Army of Ermas Day:

Terri Lynn Coop
Melanie Hooyenga
Jason Tudor
Harley May
Beth Bartlett
Amy Mullis
Angie Mansfield
Adam Slade
Jenna Qualman
Sara Spock-Carlson
Jennifer Caddell

Make Your Own Nutella

2011-08-08T16:34:00.000-04:00

Nutella is one of those foods I rarely buy because, honestly, it's a bit pricey and my kids will eat an entire jar in about 48 seconds, not even including the time it takes to lick the lid clean. I don't even really like hazelnuts, but I dig Nutella. So when I saw that Instructables had an awesomepossum recipe for making it from scratch, I thought to myself, "Self, we's a-tryin' that!"

Now, I did have to tweak the recipe a bit to get the official Caitlin and Zac seal of approval, being the Nutella connoisseurs that they are, but the end result was even better than I expected. And, because I got a buttload of it, it ended up costing me about a third of what I'd spend to buy a jar already made. This is my version of the recipe, with modifications, but if you'd like to read the original version, click the link above.

You'll need:

7 oz hazelnuts (yes, they come in an 8 oz bag)
10 oz baking chocolate
1 can condensed milk
1/3 C regular milk
1/4 tsp salt

Roast the hazelnuts in a pan until they're nicely browned. Do not abandon them to go update your Facebook page, or they will burn. Yes. Trust me.

Put the hazelnuts in your food processor, and blend the hell out of them until you've got something that looks and feels like peanut butter.

Melt the chocolate in a microwave-safe dish. Sure, you could use a double boiler, but I'm a fan of working smarter, not harder.

Add the condensed milk, and mix.

Dump your hazelnut mix in with the chocolate and condensed milk. Yes, it looks poopy. And yes, it tastes amazing.

Add the salt.

Warm up the milk, and gradually add it into the mix. This will be sort of liquidy at first, but as it cools it will thicken.

Blendity blendity blendity blend.

OMG TASTY! Dip it with graham crackers, shortbread cookies, or just eat it with a spoon.

Store it in an airtight container in your fridge. Tell the kids it's onion gravy so they'll stay away from it.

Your Literary Agent Wants WHAT?

2011-08-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

Rachelle Gardner is an awesomesauce literary agent from WordServe Literary Group, and she's got some great pointers on red flags that writers should be noticing with potential agents. For instance, if your agent wants you to pay for things that normally writers don't pay for -- or if there are hidden fees tucked into your contract.

Remember, a literary agent's job is to sell your manuscript. If they don't sell it, they don't get paid -- which means they should be making money from book sales, not from editing fees or writer contracts. Read Rachelle's blog entry for more details, and make note of things to watch for!

Questionable Practices by Literary Agents

I've Got Whos-Its and Whats-Its Galore!

2011-08-03T18:30:00.000-04:00

It’s that time of year again. I went out to buy some cheese and a loaf of bread, and came back with six packages of college-ruled paper, ten boxes of crayons, a bunch of #2 pencils, and something like 47 glue sticks.

Why? Because I have a fondness for school supplies, and because I’ve got a pair of kids entering sixth grade in just twenty-eight days, but hey, who’s counting? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I enjoy back-to-school shopping. In fact, I don’t really like shopping for anything besides ... Read Full Article at An Army of Ermas

Full Contact Cooking

2011-07-27T11:25:00.000-04:00

It's time for my latest post over at An Army of Ermas!

Full Contact Cooking:

I didn’t try to become a good cook. I never sat perusing my mother’s cookbooks, thinking, “Golly, I’d love to learn to make a nice au jus sauce someday.” I don’t ever recall being at a restaurant and exclaiming, “I just MUST learn to make this!” It wasn’t intentional at all.

And yet, my kitchen evolution has gotten me to my early forties, where I can cook the heck out of just about anything. Give me five ingredients, and I’ll create a meal worthy of being ... Read Full Article

The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet

2011-07-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to announce that The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet, my Jane Austen-inspired short, is available for download!

I've always felt Lydia got the short end of things in Pride and Prejudice, and that there was no way she was really as foolish as everyone thought she was. And as if it wasn't bad enough to have all of Meryton (and much of Brighton as well) thinking you're an idiot of questionable virtue, she got stuck married to Wickham, who is clearly a gambler, a rakehell, and a vile seducer of innocent maidens. But what if all of Lydia's foolishness was a facade? What if there was far more to Lydia than any of us ever expected?

Find out what Miss Lydia Bennet was really up to when she was flirting with Wickham, laughing too loudly, and horrifying her sisters with her outrageous behavior:

Download The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet for 99¢

What $15 Buys at a Farmer's market

2011-07-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

Don't think you can afford to eat locally grown organic food? Here's what I got at the Farmer's Market yesterday for $15:

6 ears fresh corn = $2
6 banana peppers = $1
2 heads garlic = $1
2 lbs new potatoes = $1
1 lb honey = $6
Homemade barbeque sauce $4

I didn't really need the honey, but I like chatting with the bee people, so I bought it anyway, even though I still have half a jar from last time.

The BBQ sauce lady gives you 50 cents off a jar if you return her old jars to her.

The banana peppers are actually 5 for a dollar, but the nice Amish guy always puts six in the bag.

This is two dinners worth of food for my family - I can use a pound of potatoes and three ears of corn, and a couple of peppers paired up with some pork or chicken out of my freezer, and there's a meal. Heck, I can even use the honey and the BBQ sauce at the same time, and there's always room for garlic.

So basically, $7.50 for most of a meal that feeds five people. Even if I factor in, say, a small chicken breast for each of us or a pork chop, and a salad made out of stuff I grew in the back yard, that's a pretty cheap meal.

Don't buy into the whole "you can't afford to eat organic" myth, because it's just not always true.

Gluten Free Banana Fritters

2011-07-24T14:50:00.000-04:00

The other day I had a hankering for banana fritters, so I whipped some together. They're amazing as a side dish if you're doing a cool island-style dinner (which I did), or if you want to throw together an afternoon snack. My friend Bean calls them the ultimate stoner food, so keep that in mind if you've got the late night munchies and don't feel like driving to Circle K to stock up on Cheezy Poofs and Slim Jims.

As always, many of the measurements are approximate. I don't really measure things, I just toss stuff in a bowl until it looks right.

You need:

2 Cups (more or less) Gluten Free flour - I use the King Arthur brand
2 Tbs sugar
A pinch of salt
A pinch of baking powder
1 egg
Milk
Bananas
Canola oil for frying
Honey

Combine all your dry ingredients in a bowl, and then whisk in your egg.

Add milk until it looks like batter. Honestly, I have no idea how much milk I used, I just poured it in until it looked right. Maybe 3/4 Cup?

Chunk up yer 'nanners.

Coat your banana chunks in batter.

Drop them in hot oil, a few at a time, to fry them.

Flip 'em if you have to, because you want them to be this lovely golden color all over.

Drizzle with honey and eat while still warm. You can also sprinkle them with cinnamon sugar, but I'm a fan of the honey because I buy it from a local guy. That means local bees.

Seriously, these are amazing warm - the bananas get all gooey inside. If you don't eat them all, refrigerate them in an airtight container, but warm 'em back up in your microwave before you eat them.

Enjoy!

Lydia Bennet is on Her Way

2011-07-24T14:10:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I had the chance to submit a short story to the annual Chawton House competition, which is a fairly big deal. The challenge was to write a short story based on the heroes and villains of Jane Austen's work. While my story, The Scandalous Miss Lydia Bennet, didn't win, I was still pretty pleased with the way it turned out.

I've always thought Lydia got the short end of things in Pride and Prejudice, and that there was no way she was really as foolish as everyone thought she was. And as if it wasn't bad enough to have all of Meryton thinking you're an idiot (and one of questionable virtue, at that), she got stuck married to Wickham, which would be like waking up next to a big pile of asshattery every morning.

So, I decided to take this fun little story about Lydia and what I imagined she was really up to, and make it available as a digital download for folks to read on their nooks, Kindles, Kobos, iPads, or e-Whatevers. It's only about 2,800 words, and should be available in the next week or so, once all the formatting is confirmed as being correct, and so forth, so I'll keep you all posted.

Meanwhile, here's a peek at the cover.

Curious yet?

Ten Books I Can't Live Without

2011-07-21T21:15:00.000-04:00

Someone sent me one of those "What one book would you take to a desert island?" things the other day. Naturally, my response was Boat Building and Navigation for Dummies, but apparently that's not a real answer. So instead I started thinking about it, and realized that there are so many books I love, and which one I need the most really does depend on my mood. Sometimes I want something that requires no thought at all - some kind of romantic romp with good looking men, feisty heroines, and hot sex. Other times, I want something that's going to make me think, questioning my very existence. Still other times I crave information and facts.

So I decided rather than commit myself to That One Book to take with me when stranded, I'd cheat a bit and put together my list of ten. Technically, since I have an e-reader, if I was stranded somewhere I'd have about 300 books in hand, at least till the battery died, but then I'd be hosed. These, therefore, are the ten books going in my tote bag when I board Oceanic Flight 815. And Sawyer, I'll gladly share many things with you on that island, baby, but my reads ain't part of the deal.

In no particular order:

1. Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon.

Outlander is the story of Claire Randall, a World War II combat nurse, who finds herself transported back to Scotland shortly before the battle of Culloden. Once there, she's pushed into marriage with the delicious Jamie Fraser, who is one of the sexiest beasts ever to populate a page. The two of them marry, eventually fall in love, and have adventures that span a couple of centuries, several continents, and at least eight books. Read the whole series. They're more than just romance, and you'll fall in love with Jamie and Claire.

2. The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre' Dumas.

The ultimate tale of revenge and redemption. Edmond Dantes is a poor sailor who just wants to marry the lovely Mercedes. His best friend, Fernand Mondego, wants to marry Mercedes too. Dantes is accused of high treason, and banished off to prison for ever, but Mercedes is told he is dead. Once Dantes escapes, he recovers a treasure, thanks to an old friar in prison, and reinvents himself as the ostentatious Count of Monte Cristo. Once he's established his place in society, he begins exacting his vengeance upon those who wronged him.

3. Persuasion, by Jane Austen

I know, I know, it's practically blasphemy, but Persuasion is my favorite of Jane's novels. I love how Anne Elliot, a 27-year-old spinster (with a dreadful family) who has lost her bloom, finds herself thrown back into the company of the man she rejected nine years ago. Meanwhile, Captain Wentworth is back in town with a fortune in hand, and everyone wonders which of society's eligible young ladies will scoop him up - because certainly, that boring old Anne must be beneath his notice. Austen's wit and wisdom shines in this one, and Capt. Wentworth writes one of the best love letters of all time. Who wouldn't swoon for a man who says, "You pierce my soul...." ?

4.The Carmina Gadelica, compiled by Alexander Carmichael.

Back in the 1800s, a census taker named Alexander Carmichael roamed around the Scottish highlands on foot, jotting down names and birth dates. More importantly, he collected stories, poems, songs, and incantations in Gaelic, and what he assembled was an oral literary history of the Scottish countryside. What's fascinating about the Carmina Gadelica is that Christian prayers and hymns sit side by side with Pagan rituals and charms. There's something in the CG for pretty much any occasion, whether you want to bless your cows, marry off your sister, or celebrate the vanquishing of invading Sassenachs.

5. A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and it was a really bad time to be a member of the English aristocracy stuck over in France. The story of Charles Darnay and his lovely (if somewhat dim) fiance, who find themselves trapped in the middle of the French revolution. It's a true story of redemption, though, in the form of the degenerate Sydney Carton, who - conveniently enough - looks an awful lot like Charles Darnay. Carton has been a dreadful person all his life, but when he finds love, realizes he can find absolution for the sins of his past.

6. The Stand, by Stephen King.

Thankfully, this was written back when Stephen King was still drinking, because it's probably his finest work. A killer virus takes over the world, and a ragtag band of survivors try to stay alive. But! There's another band of survivors, and they're led by the skeevy and scary Randall Flagg (who may or may not be Evil Incarnate), and pretty soon it's a post-apocalyptic Lord of the Flies.

7. Forever Amber, by Kathleen Winsor.

You know how everyone has that one book that they love to read, but they don't want anyone else to know they love it? Yeah. This is mine. I first discovered Amber St. Clare when I was about thirteen, and remembered thinking at the time OMG THIS IS RAUNCHY STUFF MUST READ MOAR. Written in the 1940s, it's so hot it was actually banned in cities across the country. But it's FABULOUS. The ultimate bodice-ripper, Forever Amber follows the evolution of Amber St. Clare from some podunk village in England to the stages of Drury Lane to Newgate prison tothe court of King Charles. It's rich in historical detail, the characters are fascinating, and every time I re-read it I love it even more. Excuse me while I go feel shamed.

8. Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry.

Lonesome Dove is probably one of the last true epic western novels, and it's brilliant. It's the story of two aging Texas rangers, Gus MacRae and Woodrow Call, along with their friends, enemies, and women. It doesn't take long for McMurtry's rich imagery to draw you into the story, and takes even less time to make you truly care about the characters. When Lorena is kidnapped, or Newt questions his parentage, or Gus and Call have to hang an old friend for horse thieving and murder, you genuinely feel for everyone involved. It's the long, final adventure of a couple of men who have led a rich and fulfilling life.

9. Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card.

Ender's Game is now required reading at some high schools where I live, as well it should be. On the surface, it's the story of poor little Ender Wiggin, who is a Third (as in third child) and therefore worthy of pity and not much else. However, when he gets invited to the elite Battle School as a student, people begin to take notice of Ender. He's good at what he does, which is killing aliens in the simulator. However, after a while Ender and his friends realize there's more to Battle School than they thought. It's a stunning commentary on war, childhood, and everything in between.

10. The Complete Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

OK, this might be a "cheat" because it's actually got a ton of stories in it, so it's not just a single book. However, Doyle's tales are as awesome today as they were when he wrote them over a hundred years ago, and Holmes is the ultimate anti-hero. He's a bit sociopathic, not terribly friendly, pompous, and most likely a drug addict. He's also brilliant, and Dr. John Watson serves as his perfect partner when Holmes takes on the evil Dr. Moriarty.

So there you have it. These are going in my carry-on bag, so when I end up on my desert island I'll have reading material along with my toothbrush.

Check Out the Smashwords July Sale!

2011-07-20T21:42:00.000-04:00

Smashwords is offering a special deal through the entire month of July, where a number of books are offered at discounts of up to 75% off by participating authors.

Want to check out a copy of MacFarlane's Ridge? It's available at a 50% discount, which means you'll be able to download it for only $3.00. Use the code SSW50 at checkout for 50% off during this site-wide promo! (Offer good thru July 31, 2011)

MacFarlane's Ridge: Cameron Clark's life was just like everyone else’s, until the day she stumbled across a pre-Revolutionary War journal. Suddenly, she was on the run from a killer, escaping to a place she had never imagined – the past.

Cam’s attempts to return home, coupled with her
knowledge of war and battles to come, send her on a quest through the Virginia of 1775 – a quest which becomes more complicated when she falls in love with a man who lived over two hundred years ago. To make matters worse, Robert MacFarlane is being hunted by the British government, charged with rebellion and piracy.

Cam learns that life was far from easy in the 1700’s, but before she can return to the present, she finds herself caught in the middle between two centuries, and two men – one of whom proves to be deadly.

Download your copy today by clicking HERE.

Harry Potter and Parents

2011-07-15T14:47:00.000-04:00

So last night I hauled my younger heathens off to the midnight movie - their first such experience - and we followed the rest of the country into a theater to watch the final installment of the cultural phenomenon called Harry Potter. The final movie, Deathly Hallows Part 2, was amazing and explosive, and wrapped up the series just as it should have. This is not a review of that movie, but watching it did inspire a few thoughts as I sat with my kids and realized the finality of this final film.

SPOILER ALERT: This content will include references to things that happen in all seven books and all eight movies. There is a statute of limitations on spoilers, however, and because the final book was released FOUR YEARS AGO, anything is fair game. If you don't want to know how things end, stop reading right. this. minute.

One of the things that has always struck me about the HP series - book or movie - is that while on the surface people tend to dismiss it as "children's literature," that does not mean it has no value to adults. In fact, I've come to recognize that one of the reasons I, as a parent, enjoy these stories so much is because of the strong role of the parents that JK Rowling has created.

In many kids' books, the parents are non-existent, an afterthought, the butt of jokes and hijinks, or (worse yet) the enemy. They're often one-dimensional and serve no purpose other than to give the kid protagonists someone to laugh at/fight with/ignore. However, in the Potterverse, most of the parents serve a pretty valuable purpose. While they are not defined solely by their parenthood (any more than non-parent characters are defined by their lack of offspring), they are often motivated by it, and thus the role of parent in a HP story is one that has a great deal of influence on other characters.

James and Lily Potter: Before the tale even begins, Harry's parents are dead. While he may be The Boy Who Lived, he is an orphan. However, it becomes clear very early in the series that the reason he is The Boy Who Lived is because of his parents and the actions they took in the final seconds before their deaths. Lily, in particular, is crucial not only to Harry's life but to his final quest to defeat Voldemort. Although the Potter parents are physically dead, Harry interacts with them when he needs them most -- in fact, just before the final showdown he meets with James and Lily (along with his godfather Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, both substitute father-figures) and they tell him that they have been with him all along - and will continue to be there. If it wasn't for the love of his parents - particularly his mother - Harry would have been The Boy Who Died.

The Weasleys: Arthur and Molly Weasley are two of my favorite characters. They've cranked out a whole bunch of kids, but that doesn't mean they have no room in their hearts for more. And if a small boy wizard shows up as their youngest son's best friend, then he too becomes part of Clan Weasley, and they will literally fight to the death to protect him. Harry's lack of family -- because, certainly, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon don't count - makes it all the more significant when he is welcomed into the Burrow.

More importantly, Molly and Arthur have a deep and unabashed love for their biological kids, no matter how much mischief is managed - Molly rules the roost with an iron fist clad in a colorful knitted jumper, and will do what she has to in order to guard what is hers. In the final scene between Molly and Bellatrix Lestrange, the audience in my theater burst into applause. Why? Because Molly is a badass, that's why.

The Malfoys: Lucius Malfoy is, point blank, an awful dad. His wife, Narcissa, isn't very high on the Good Mom list either. They're long-time supporters of the Dark Lord, total classists and racists (keep the wizarding world pure!), and all-around asshole parents. It's no wonder their kid, Draco, is such a shitbag. He's mean and petty and cruel, and he's all of these things not just because his parents are mean and petty and cruel, but because he really appears to *enjoy* being mean and petty and cruel. Draco's an ass, raised by a pair of bigger asses.

However - and this is huge - towards the latter end of the series, his parents begin to wonder if perhaps they've backed the wrong horse in the battle of good vs. evil. After a stint in Azkaban prison, Lucius is well on his way to being a hot mess, and Narcissa is seriously questioning her own motives in offering her son up as Voldemort's hitman. By the time we get to the final book, it's pretty clear that the two of them just want to escape alive, with their kid in tow.

Arguably, we could even say that Narcissa is the stronger and braver of the two. Why? Because after Harry's showdown with Voldemort, it is she who tells her master that Harry is dead -- all because she learns that Harry is the one who has saved her son. It is this betrayal of Voldemort on Narcissa's part that allows Harry and the rest of the forces of good to ultimately triumph - and it allows Narcissa, Lucius, and Draco to flee Hogwarts before they can be killed in the battle.

Hermione, Neville and Luna: Although Hermione Granger is one of the three main characters in the series, we never really have much interaction with her parents. They are Muggles - non-wizarding folks who happen to be dentists -- and it's always been my thought that Hermione wasn't especially close to them. However, in the final installment, Hermione performs a sacrificial act of love, and uses the Obliterate charm on her mother and father, sending them off to a life without memories of having a child. In the movie, the scene is particularly well done, and highlights that however much of an outsider Hermione has always felt herself to be, she was raised to be strong and compassionate and brave. She's probably the strongest female character in the series, because she is so active in her own fate, rather than reactive. Hermione DOES things, instead of waiting for things to happen TO her, and it's pretty clear that she's been raised to think for herself.

Neville Longbottom's parents are absent. In fact, they were prominent members of the Order of the Phoenix members until Bellatrix Lestrange got hold of them. Neville was raised by his grandmother, and what's fascinating to me about Neville is that so many things in his experience at Hogwarts are related to what happened to his parents. In an early book, a professor asks him to perform the Cruciatus curse on a spider, and Neville refuses - after all, his own mother and father were victims of same. Neville, however, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and his moral convictions may not always make him popular, but he doesn't seem to mind. At one point, Albus Dumbledore awards Gryffindor points for Neville - because while it takes great bravery to stand up to one's enemies, it takes even more to stand up to one's friends. In the final installment, Neville comes into his own, kicking ass and taking names - his bravery with the sword of Gryffindor earned rousing cheers from the HPDH2 audience.

Luna Lovegood is all kinds of awesome. She's a bit daffy, she marches to her own beat, and she's been raised by a single dad who dotes on her. She's a bit isolated socially - because of her own uniqueness - but doesn't seem to mind at all. Like Neville, she's true to who she is. Her father is a decent guy who loves his daughter and just wants her to be safe.

Tom Riddle and Snape: Tom Riddle is a sad, sad boy who is raised in an orphanage after his father abandons the family and his mentally unstable mother dies. Of course, Tom finds out that he was conceived while his father was under the influence of a love potion, and Rowling makes it clear that kids born under such circumstances are a bit dodgy anyway. As a teen, he kills his father and his grandparents for being assholes. Is it any wonder that he grows up to be the king of all things evil? Not only that, his own messed-up childhood makes it nearly impossible for him to understand the power of Lily Potter's love for her son.

Severus Snape, on the other hand, was raised by both parents, but they were emotionally distant and left him insecure and with little to no self-esteem. His father, a Muggle, was absent a lot, and he was raised in relative poverty and loneliness. His first real friend was Lily Evans, and he loved her until the day he died. It's possible that Snape's neglect by his own family was a driving force in his love and loyalty towards Lily, as well as her young son.

Does all of this mean that the entire Harry Potter series is a great big Freudian lesson, in which people are defined by the individuals who raised them? Not at all. But the fact that the parents of these characters were so much more than just shadows - that they had depth and personality and adventures before their kids came along - makes it a series that I can enjoy just as much as my kids do. And that's one of the reasons why Harry Potter will endure long after JK Rowling's original audience has grown up and left childhood behind.

A Single Day's Harvest

2011-07-13T19:25:00.000-04:00

A lot of people have asked me why I garden. Doesn't it take a lot of time? they ask. Isn't it a lot of work? The most interesting question of all is, Why do you bother? You know you can get all that stuff at Kroger, right?

Well, yeah. It does take time and work, and I supposed in theory I could go over to Kroger or Giant Eagle or wherever the hell I'm buying groceries and spend money on something grown a few hundred miles away by someone I've never met, who has sprayed the food with gods only know what and so forth.

Or I could toss some seeds into the warm, fertile earth, tend the sprouts that come up, water them every day, pull the weeds (a pox upon you, purslane!) that threaten to take over my entire garden, and then reward myself with the fruits - and veggies - of my labor. I have red lettuce, tomatoes, green beans, fat sweet peapods on the vine, fresh herbs and peppers for the picking. When it's time to make dinner, I start with what's in the back yard, and then move to the freezer second. A single day's pickings often is more than we'll eat in that 24-hour span -- in this photo, there is lettuce, green peppers, onions, my first tomato of the season, beans, basil and rosemary. I used the peppers, onion and rosemary in last night's dinner. Today, the tomato and half the lettuce were my lunch, the green beans were my mid-afternoon snack. This evening, I'll probably put the basil into my food processor and make pesto sauce.

There's just something rewarding and gratifying about the whole experience. Sure, the grocery store produce aisle is good for people who want to buy vegetables, no doubt about it. But for people who want to be a part of the food production cycle, rather than just a consumer, growing your own can't be beat.

Guest Post at The Pagan Mom Blog

2011-07-12T22:01:00.000-04:00

A huge shout-out to the awesome Angela Pippinger over at The Pagan Mom Blog, who invited me to be a guest blogger. I have the privilege of contributing to her 31 Days of Deity project with a piece on the Celtic battle goddess, The Morrighan. For a hard polytheist like myself, it's always a treat to be part of something bigger than my own immediate pantheon. Thanks so much for letting me contribute!

The Morrighan

I’ve paid tribute to the Morrighan for nearly two decades now, and although my life has changed in so many ways since she first whacked me upside the head with a cosmic two-by-four, I’m still honored that she chose to get my attention.

I first began studying Pagan religions back around 1987. Although most of the information available publicly at that time was NeoWiccan in flavor, I found myself continuously drawn to the Celtic deities of my ancestors. However, I never really connected with a particular god or goddess, so I just plodded along, figuring that eventually I’d have that moment of divine epiphany that everyone assured me would .... Read Full Post

Celebrate 4th of July with a Hot Scot in a Kilt!

2011-07-03T00:21:00.000-04:00

OK, folks, New Concepts Publishing is celebrating this holiday weekend by offering a 25% discount on ALL of their e-books! Naturally, that includes Call of the Clan. Stop over and order a copy any time until noon on July 4th, and you'll save 25%!

The discount will be reflected during checkout. Don't forget when ordering print books from New Concepts you always save 20% by entering LD8TMW53 in the coupon during checkout.

Celebrate the holiday weekend with some romantic suspense, murder, and a hot Scotsman in a kilt!

Order your copy here: Download Call of the Clan

2012 Llewellyn Goodies - Hooray!

2011-06-25T17:52:00.000-04:00

I swear, my poor UPS man probably lives in fear of being molested by me every time he rings my doorbell, because I'm always genuinely happy to see him. Thankfully, he's a good sport, and he's learned just to toss me the package and run once he hears me go SQUEEEEEEE!

This weekend's offerings brought me not one but TWO goodies, sent by the good folks at Llewellyn Worldwide. Last summer I was invited to contribute to the 2012 Witches' Calendar and the 2012 Sabbats Almanac, and I'm happy to say my contributor copies have arrived, and they look magnificent.

My contributions to the Sabbats Almanac include a series of short pieces on folklore for each of the eight Pagan holidays:

Samhain: Magical Bats
Yule: Io, Saturnalia
Imbolc: The Hearthfire
Ostara: Labyrinth Magic
Beltane: Legend of the Rowan Tree
Litha: Native Sun Stories
Lughnasadh: Goddess of the Grain
Mabon: Mabon Apple Magic

For the 2012 Witches' Calendar, I've written a piece entitled Individual Honors, which looks at the way contemporary Pagans can honor the old gods in a way that's appropriate to the needs and demands of the gods themselves.

There are also some fantastic offerings from Ellen Dugan, Elizabeth Barrette, Raven Digitalis, and other Pagan authors.

So anyway, I was thrilled to get these from my poor bedraggled UPS guy! You'll be able to pick these up in bookstores beginning in July, or you can order them directly from Llewellyn and have them shipped to you: 2012 Sabbats Almanac and 2012 Witches' Calendar.

Maybe I'll Just Stay Home

2011-06-22T08:18:00.000-04:00

I never understood why my parents were so exhausted when we returned from vacations. Typically, about six to seven days in, everyone was grouchy and cranky – my brother and I fighting about who was over the line in the backseat – and I couldn't figure out why this was the case.

And then I became a parent: An Army of Ermas: Maybe I'll Just Stay Home

Big Hats and Martinis

2011-06-16T14:31:00.001-04:00

I recently saw that in April 2012, there will be a re-release of the James Cameron movie Titanic, to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking. I've already suggested to my friends that we need to go to this in full costume, with big hats, bustles, martinis and life vests (see, I'm planning in advance). After all, who wouldn't want to wear that fantastic white and black striped ensemble that Kate Winslet wears as she's arriving at the docks in Southampton? WANT.

Now, here's the great part of all this. When you're looking at period costumes, from any era, it's really hard to picture yourself and what you would look like in them.

I, fortunately, have an ace in the hole. I bear a very strong resemblance to my great-grandmother's sister, Rose Wagner. And I've just found a photo of Rose which is dated 1910, when she was about twenty.

THIS, my pretties, is what I plan to wear:

It almost seems a shame to wear a life vest over something that lovely, so I may well be going down with the ship, martini in hand. See you all on the Promenade Deck!

Gluten Free Peach Cobbler

2011-06-12T15:21:00.000-04:00

When I first found myself facing the issue of gluten-free cooking, one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome was the fact that a lot of gluten-free recipes call for a significant number of ingredients. Where previously I could whip up a biscuit using five items, now I was being told to use two dozen. Cakes and breads became a bizarre blend as many as twenty dry ingredients, all just to get the equivalent portions to a point where you'd have something edible.

And I hated it.

I've got three kids, two part time jobs, and a husband who works weird shifts. I don't have the time or the inclination to spend an hour just measuring out ingredients before the food actually gets mixed up and stuck in the oven. So what I began doing was selecting a few gluten-free flours that I really like the flavor of, keeping those on hand at all times, and finding ways to use them in a way that was tasty and creative -- and most importantly, simple.

I always have tapioca flour, white rice flour, brown rice flour, and soy flour in my pantry. On occasion, I'll pick up coconut flour if it's on sale. That's pretty much it. If I can't bake something with these staple ingredients, it probably won't get made.

So anyway, I bought a bag of peaches on my way home from the Farmer's Market, and was going to use them to make a cobbler. I discovered upon biting into the first peach that they weren't quite ripe yet -- good enough to snack on, but not really conducive to cobbler-making. However, I always have canned fruit in my pantry in anticipation of the coming Zombie Apocalypse, so I used a 29-oz can instead. Fresh would have been better, but I wanted peach cobbler NOW, not in a week.

Gluten Free Peach Cobbler

For the peach filling, you'll need:
1 29-oz can peaches
1 Tbs lemon juice
1/4 C. brown sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp tapioca flour

Put the peaches, juice and all, into a bowl. Dice the peaches so they're bite-sized.

Add the brown sugar, cinnamon, vanilla and tapioca flour.

Whisk it all together.

Oh, while you're doing this, preheat your oven to 425.

Pour your peach filling into a lightly greased 8x8 baking pan. I'm a big fan of Pampered Chef stoneware pans, because everything cooks so uniformly, but use what you have.

In another bowl, make your cobbler crust. You'll need:

1/2 C white rice flour
1/2 C brown rice flour
1 C tapioca flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 Tbs sugar
2 tsp baking powder
4 tsp butter, diced into chunks
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
3/4 C milk

Blend all of these together until you've got a batter, like so.
<-------

Glop the batter (yes, that is a technical term, why do you ask?) into the peach filling with a spoon. Let it sink down in there between the peaches for extra cobblery goodness.

Bake for about 25 minutes at 425.

Let your cobbler cool for about ten minutes before serving.

Serve it up with a big helping of your favorite whipped topping, or better yet, vanilla ice cream.

Optional: sprinkle a bit of cinnamon sugar on top.

Seriously, try this - it's the perfect summer cookout dessert, and your non GF-eating friends won't even know that it's gluten free.

Farmer's Market Dinners

2011-06-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

I'm a big fan of locavore cooking, in that if I can get something that's been grown or harvested in my area, I'm far more likely to use that than something imported from hundreds of miles away. This is why I love - so very much - my local Farmer's Market. Every Saturday morning, from May 1 until November 1, these hard-working people are down in the town square with their tents and tables, selling things that have just come out of the ground. I've found all kinds of wonderful things there, and naturally, the selection changes with the season. If I want some sort of produce that I didn't grow myself, I can nearly always find it at the Farmer's market.

It's not just the produce I love about Farmer's Market Saturdays. It's the people. Everyone's friendly, and I've learned so much just by chatting with these people. There's a lady who grows shiitake mushrooms in logs under her house, and another woman who has answered a number of questions for me about the chickens I hope to have some day. I've hung out with the bread guy, discussing different types of flours such as millet and quinoa, and I periodically find some sort of leafy green thing that I've never used in a meal before, so I always grab a bit to try.

Today's finds were some really nice goodies indeed. I got some nice fresh Siamese Dragon greens, garlic scapes, pod peas that were on a vine just twelve hours ago, and -- oh joy of joys! - quail eggs! They're so small and pretty, and look like little balls of cookie dough. So tonight's dinner will be something Asian inspired, most likely with some quail-egg fried rice. I've also got some peaches I bought from a roadside stand on my way home, so I'm thinking a cobbler for dessert.

That's the beauty of locavore cooking. I can hit a market in the morning, and base my evening meal on what I find on the tables. It's something I enjoy tremendously, and if you've never had a chance to plan your meals that way, go find a farmer's market, and give it a shot. Try something completely new. You'll be glad you did.

Kody Keplinger is Giving Away Books!

2011-06-10T22:07:00.001-04:00

Kody Keplinger is an incredibly gifted college student who not only has her head on straight, she's got a published novel under her belt (and another one on the way). Over at Kody's blog, she's giving away copies of The DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) to three lucky winners.

If you haven't read The DUFF, you really should - it's teen fiction, and it's Really Flippin' Good.

Read about Kody's contest here (and it ends at midnight tonight, so hurry!): Kody's Blog

Gluten Free Donuts

2011-06-10T13:08:00.001-04:00

Donuts are awesome - they're a perfect snack when you need a quick sugar high, they make a great breakfast grab-n-go, and every once in a while, when you've been living on salads and fruit, a donut is the perfect decadent indulgence.

Unfortunately, they're also on the No List for those of us who have a gluten sensitivity. There are a couple of commercial GF donuts available -- Kinnikinnick's vanilla glazed ones are delicious, but they're a bit pricy. At $6 for a box of half a dozen, I'm paying a buck a donut. So I decided to see if I could come up with my own variation on the standard donut recipe, using stuff I already had in my pantry.

And I did.

And lo, it was tasty.

Gluten Free Donuts:

1 box Betty Crocker Gluten Free Yellow Cake Mix
3/4 C granulated sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 C sour cream
3 eggs, lightly beaten
2 Tbs melted butter

Preheat the oven to 425.

Dump all the dry ingredients in a bowl, and mix them up until they're loosely blended.

Add the sour cream, vanilla, eggs, and melted butter.

Beat until combined.

Spray a donut pan (or two) with cooking spray, and fill each donut cup about halfway with batter.

Note: If you fill it too high, the donut will end up baking over the hole, and you'll have weird little cupcakes instead of donuts. Trust me on this.

Bake at 425 for about ten minutes. Pull donuts from the oven when they're a nice light golden color. Don't overbake, or they'll get chewy.

Let them cool about five minutes in the pan.

Flip donuts out onto a cooling rack, and let them sit another five minutes. See how pretty they are?

While your donuts are still warm, melt some butter, and blend together 1/2 Cup sugar, and1/4 C cinnamon.

Dip the top of the donuts in the melted butter, then roll them in the cinnamon sugar.

What do you get? An amazing and totally delicious cinnamon sugar donut. Eat it with a glass of milk, because it's even more fantastic.

Store them in an airtight container, or freeze 'em. I actually think they tasted better and softer the second day, but nothing beats a warm donut fresh from the oven.

This recipe makes about two dozen donuts, for the cost of a box of cake mix and some other stuff.

And your non GF-eating family members will enjoy them too, because they're cakey and awesome!

Why I Love My E-Reader

2011-06-03T17:44:00.001-04:00

Years ago, a friend of mine got a first generation Kindle. I remember thinking to myself, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I like books. I want to read books, not a computer screen." Well, let me tell you, about a year and a half ago, I became a total convert, thanks to the first edition of the Barnes & Noble nook (in the interest of full disclosure, I do work part time at my local B&N).

I get that there are still people who enjoy the feel of a book in their hand - I'm one of them. But I also like to have space on my counters and nightstands and my foosball table. I've bought more books in my lifetime than I can even count, and despite having given away legions of them, I was going to have to start giving away children to make room for any more book purchases (and yes, there were days when that looked really appealing). I can fit 1500 books on my 3G version of the nook, and a few thousand more if I drop $20 on an extra SIM card. If I had purchased the nookcolor, it would hold 6,000 ebooks.

Storage is a huge issue for me, but so is pricing. I love books, but I'm thrifty - perhaps it's my Scottish ancestry to blame for that. Because I'm someone who rarely reads books more than once -- it's got to be REALLY good for me to do so -- I can't justify spending $24.99 on the newest hardcovers. However, I have no problem with downloading them for $9.99. If I had $25 to spend on books, I'd be way more likely to buy four titles at $5.99 apiece than a single front-list novel. (For a great explanation of why e-books are priced the way they are, read Nathan Bransford's blog post)

Finally, as a writer, I love that there are so many publishing houses embracing the e-book format. There are some who do nothing BUT digital editions - the romance and sci-fi genres in particular have always been supportive of digital technology, long before mainstream publishers got on board - and it's a great way for a writer to get their name out in a variety of venues, rather than just hoping someone picks up your novel at the local Big Chain Book Store.

Today, I went and grabbed the new nook Simple Touch, which will hold a thousand books - I just happened to be in the store when the truck arrived, so I was the first one to get mine and bring it home. And I'm in love with it already, because it combines all the features of the first generation nook (e-ink display being awesome) with the convenience of a touchscreen, which I think is kind of the best invention ever. Also, as someone who's easily distracted by shiny things, it's perfect for me, because there's no fancy bells'n'whistles. It's an ereader. It holds my books and lets me read them, curled up on the couch with a cat in my lap.

E-readers aren't taking away your Book Reader privileges - they're just presenting a new and convenient way to store and read stuff. Back around the 1870s, someone came up with the ridiculous idea of using plain ol' paper to bind books, instead of cloth- or leather-bound boards. Everyone pooh-poohed the suggestion at first - after all, who wants to read a book covered in PAPER? But obviously, it revolutionized the publishing industry, because in the 1930s, the mass-market paperback format took off, and now here we are in a world where most of the books you buy are paperback instead of hardcover. Doesn't mean they're any less "book" than the hardcover version. Doesn't mean one format is better or worse. It's just different, and it meets different peoples' needs. Libraries and books aren't going away - they're just CHANGING.

As a similar example, look at what the mp3 file has done to the music industry. If I go for a run through the park, I don't take a stack of cds with me. I take my iPod, set my DriveTime Playlist on shuffle, and crank the hell out of the Beastie Boys in my pocket.

I know, we all want ebooks to smell like real books, taste like real books, feel like real books - but you'll end up with hairy palms and poor eyesight if you keep obsessing over it. Sure, e-readers aren't for everyone. But they're not going away any time soon, and honestly, I'm grateful.

Gluten Free Beer-Battered Chicken

2011-05-31T19:18:00.002-04:00

I'm a big fan of the fried chicken strip as summer finger food, but when you're eating gluten free, it sort of puts a damper on your fried chicken consumption. However, by blending GF flour and a GF beer (thanks to my friend Paula for pointing me in that direction), I've managed to come up with the most amazing beer-battered fried chicken ever.

GF Beer Battered Fried Chicken

2 lbs chicken breasts, cut into tenders, nuggets, or whatevers
2 1/2 Cups gluten free multi-purpose flour (I used King Arthur brand)
2 Tbs your favorite seasoning mix
1/2 tsp salt
1 bottle Redbridge GF beer
Canola oil for frying

Put the baking mix in a bowl, and whisk in the salt and the seasoning mix. My personal preference is Penzey's Bicentennial Rub, because (a) it's amazing and peppery and (b) I *always* have it on hand. Once your dry stuff is mixed together, slowly pour the beer into the flour mix.

It helps if you let the beer get a little flat first, because otherwise you have fizzy batter. I used Redbridge, which I really like. It's made by the Anheuser-Busch folks, and I can pick it up at Kroger so there are no special shopping runs involved. It's made from sorghum, and even though I generally don't like the taste of beer, this actually has a pretty good flavor and no aftertaste.

Blend the beer and flour mix until it's good and thick. Coat your chicken chunks in the batter, drop into your heated oil, and fry until golden.

Dig in, and wait for your family to be impressed as hell that they're eating something that's gluten free.

What the Hell is "That Falconer Woman"?

2011-05-27T21:57:00.001-04:00

So a number of people have asked me about the novel I'm working on, and I thought I'd plop together a blog post explaining a bit about what it is and how it's progressing. It actually began last year on November 1, when I got a wild red hair up my ass and decided to participate in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, the goal of which is to write a 50,000 word novel in exactly thirty days. Now, I've never been able to tell a story in less than about 75k, so I knew that whatever I created during NaNoWriMo would only be the beginnings of whatever story I decided to tell.

I did it, though -- I wrote 55,000 words in 30 days. Some days I wrote a lot, some days I wrote a little, and a couple of days I said the hell with it and wrote nothing at all, but come midnight on November 30, my tally was past the requisite 50k. You don't win anything other than bragging rights and the knowledge that you sat your ass in a chair long enough to write fifty thousand words, which is more than a lot of prospective authors write in a lifetime. And that's what I needed, was the Ass In Chair time.

The story itself began -- and I did whip up an outline the last week of October, which is within the rules -- as a Regency-era romance, but quickly evolved into a murder mystery as soon as a dead footman turned up in the garden. I couldn't help it, he was just THERE, with his head bashed in, and someone had to take the blame for it, despite the fact that lust and romance were going on at the same time.

Character names have changed a few times, but during NaNo what I worked on was this:

Cordelia Falconer is a widow returning to England after a fifteen-year-absence for her younger sister Ophelia's wedding. Ophelia is to marry Henry Brompton, the only son of a landholding family. Henry's mother is less than thrilled about the match, especially since Ophelia's family has a bad reputation - Cordelia left England under scandalous circumstances, and her brothers are known gamblers and rakes. Invited to a house party to announce Henry and Ophelia's engagement, Cordelia finds herself drawn to the mysterious Rhys Aubrey, who reveals little about himself beyond his desire for Cordelia.

During the engagement ball, a footman is found murdered - and scandal threatens to erupt when Henry learns that Ophelia was the last one to see the dead man alive. Cordelia and her teenage daughter, Lydia, are certain Ophelia couldn't have committed the crime, but Ophelia refuses to tell anyone what she may have seen. Cordelia and Aubrey work together to solve the mystery, hoping to exonerate Ophelia before the magistrate can arrest her for murder and ruin them all.

So, that's the gist of it, and the first draft is what I completed in November. What I'm currently working on is fleshing out details, making supporting characters have more depth (and eliminating a completely unnecessary parental figure), doing research on the Regency era, and so forth. Oh, and Cordie and Rhys Aubrey are gettin' busy in the billiard room. And a stable at an inn. And perhaps the conservatory, if all goes well.

Other characters of importance include Cordie and Ophelia's brothers, Tybalt and Mercutio (their father was a devotee of the Bard), Brompton's cousin Captain Thomas Heyward, Reverend Augustus Littleberry - who had hoped to marry Cordelia long before she ran off with that footman fifteen years ago, cadaverous magistrate Providence Adkyns, and the perfectly awful Mrs. Brompton.

When I write a character, I have to have an idea in my head of what the person looks like - even if it's just a general sort of appearance. I've got a file of images of what I imagine each of these individuals looks like, and it helps me give them thoughts and ideas and words and personalities of their own. For example, Cordelia has always looked like Kate Winslet, from the moment I first stuffed her into stays and a Spencer jacket. Rhys Aubrey looks like Rufus Sewell, with his high cheekbones, brilliant eyes and a Yorkshire accent.

I imagine Henry Brompton and Thomas Heyward as Henry Cavill and Tom Hardy (odd coincidence about the names here, but that's the way it turned out). Ophelia looks like Romola Garai, and Lydia like a redheaded Haylee Steinfeld.

Tybalt and Mercutio are especially easy -- the delicious Damian Lewis and his doppelganger Stephen Campbell Moore, without a doubt. Round that out with Ray McKinnon as Providence Adkyns, Helen Mirren as Mrs. Brompton, and Philip Seymour Hoffman as Rev. Littleberry, and it's a collection of characters to be reckoned with indeed.

So, what's the current status of That Falconer Woman? Well, I'm on round two, as I mentioned, and it's progressing nicely. After letting it sit and percolate for a few months, I've done some significant revisions, and I'm hoping to have it finished by the end of summer. That way, I'll be ready to start shopping it around to agents and publishers in the fall.

Besides, I've got to get my schedule cleared before NaNo 2011 begins!

Gluten Free Cheezy Crackers

2011-05-24T15:47:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a Cheez-It (TM) in four freakin' years. Lest you think that's no big deal, try going four years without your favorite snack cracker. You'll find yourself at parties, sobbing at the canape table, because you want a handful of those damn Cheez-Its so badly... and yet you know if you eat them - hell, if you eat just ONE - you're going to end up in a fetal position on the floor, with abdominal cramping and vomiting all over those cute new shoes you just got at Kohl's. Cheez-Its, for someone who is gluten intolerant, are like Kryptonite. That which we love can ~~kill us~~ make us very very ill.

Until now.

I found a recipe over at Gluten Free in the City, adapted it a little, and within about half an hour, I was sighing over a handful of snack crackers like a nine-year-old girl sighs over a Justin Bieber song.

First, here's Britt's original recipe for Cheez Bits.

I changed things up a bit, because I don't really love the taste of millet flour, and so I never have any on hand. Also, I love me some sharp cheddar, so I used that. The sharper, the better. Oh, and I added a smidge of garlic salt, just because you can never go wrong with garlicky goodness.

Gluten Free Cheezy Crackers:

1/2 C gluten free baking mix (I used the King Arthur brand)
1/4 C brown rice flour
1/4 C tapioca flour
1/4 tsp xanthan gum
1/2 tsp Kosher salt
1/4 tsp garlic salt
12 oz grated sharp cheddar
1/2 stick cold unsalted butter, diced
3 Tbs cold water

Preheat your oven to 350, and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Throw all your flours, the xanthan gum, the Kosher salt and the garlic salt into the bowl of your food processor. If you don't have a food processor, go get one. Mine is a zillion years old, was my mom's a long time ago, and kicks total ass. Pulse the food processor a few times to mix up your flours.

Add the grated cheese and the butter chunks. Pulse until everything is mixed together and kind of grainy looking. Add the water, 1 tablespoon at a time, and blend until you've got a big ball of dough. Cover the ball in plastic wrap, and chill in the fridge for half an hour.

Roll out your dough until it's about 1/4" thick - you might want to split your dough in half if you work slowly, and keep the part you're not using in the fridge.

Use a pizza cutter to cut the flattened dough into strips, and then go the other way to make squares. I used a bamboo skewer to make a dimple in the middle of mine, just because it looked cute and didn't take very long. Use a spatula to slide your dough squares onto the baking sheet. If you use all the dough, you'll get about 13 dozen 1" square crackers.

Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes, or until the crackers crisp up on the edges. When they come out of the oven, sprinkle lightly with some more Kosher salt and allow them to cool completely.

Then, eat them, and swoon like you mean it, because these are effin' amazing.

In theory, you probably shouldn't eat them all in one sitting, so store them in an airtight container in your pantry. Label them "liver and onion cookies" so the rest of your family will stay the hell away from them.

Monday Mancandy: Space Cowboys

2011-05-23T20:21:00.000-04:00

A brief note: Blogger has been doing really strange things lately, and I've discovered than when I go to insert images into a post, the entire thing locks up. This leads to a less than stellar blogging experience, so until it gets resolved on Blogger's end, I'll simply link Monday Mancandy posts to images elsewhere.

Ok, so two weeks ago, I was feeling a bit patriotic, and we looked at the Navy Seals for Monday Mancandy. This week, I'm posting on the heels of multiple episodes of Firefly, so today's Monday Mancandy pays homage to the archetype of the Space Cowboy. Because the Space Cowboy appears in many different incarnations, let's look at a few prime specimens of the species.

Han Solo, one could argue, is the most obvious (1977) space cowboys (or space pirate, depending on your perspective) to grace the film screen. He's cocky, he's arrogant, and he shoots first and asks questions later. Not only that, he's smooth enough that he's part of one of the best exchanges in movie history:

Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.

The species evolved further just a year after Han Solo's debut, with the television series Battlestar Galactica. Dirk Benedict was Lt. Starbuck, and despite his military rank, you knew he was a space cowboy because he wore a leather jacket and smoked a cigar. He was also quite a hit with the Laydeez. Like Han Solo, he's a bit of a renegade, and managed to crash a Viper four different times, always emerging unscathed.

Random fun fact: Starbuck was named for a character in Moby Dick.

Now, lest you think that the space cowboy didn't emerge until the 1970s, it's important to note that when Gene Roddenberry first pitched Star Trek to network bosses, he described it as a "Wagon Train to the stars." In fact, every incarnation of Star Trek has featured at least one cowboy-themed episode - my personal favorite? "A Fistful of Datas" on ST:TNG.

If you look at the sci-fi television genre from a perspective of "westerns in space", then hands-down, there's nothing that tops Firefly. Captain Malcolm Reynolds is the leader of a ragtag band of big damn heroes in the years following the battle of Serenity Valley, out there on the raggedy edge. The further you go into the black, the more lawless the planets and their inhabitants become. Most episodes of Firefly follow a frontier theme, and the characters could just as easily be in Dodge City, rather than some dumpy rock out near Reaver territory.

Like Han Solo, Mal gets some great lines, including,"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, if your hand touches metal, I will end you."

Random fun note: That line is from the episode "Our Mrs. Reynolds," featuring the always-magnificent Christina Hendicks as Saffron the con-artist.

So, now that we've analyzed a few space cowboys, let's look at:

Why They're Hawt: The space cowboy may not be classically beautiful, but tends to be ruggedly handsome. You can take a man with a face like a bucket of nails and dress him up in a leather coat, high boots, and a pair of six-shooters, and I guarantee he's going to look a whole lot better. Beyond the physical appearance of the space cowboy, though, they're appealing because they're rebels. They're renegades, and they don't live by the rules so much as they follow a personal code. Han Solo is a thief, but he's an honest thief. Mal might be smuggling stuff, but he does it because he wants to make a better life for his crew.

Bonus Hawt Points: They fly spaceships. Usually not bright and shiny ones, but utilitarian ones that come in handy for transporting a load of cows out to Jiangyin, or making the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.

Downsides: They're not home much, and they tend to get beat up a lot, tossed in jail, and occasionally shot at.

Total Mancandy Percentage: 94%

* The Total Mancandy Percentage of selected subjects is chosen by a highly scientific formula, as follows:

(Why He's Hawt) + (Bonus Hawt Points)

- (Downsides)

÷(Would I Kick Him Out of Bed if He Talked)

=Mancandy Quotient

So, who's your favorite space cowboy?

By the way, Monday Mancandy is going to become an every-other-week sort of feature now, so watch for the next installment in two weeks!

Garden Prep

2011-05-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I spent the entire day outside tilling the garden. This year I've expanded it, in the interests of going from a decorative garden than had some food growing in it to a utilitarian and productive space where the primary purpose is food production. The main planting space is 20 x 25 feet, with a couple of extra areas tacked on for good measure. Tomatoes will stay over by the sunroom, on the south wall, because they really like it there.

Anyway, do you know what two hours of tilling sod does to you? It makes you sunburned and muddy, you begin to smell weird, and you get mud on the INSIDE of your sports bra. You also end up with blisters on top of your blisters, despite those Mac Tools work gloves you love so much.

You also end up feeling like you've accomplished a hell of a lot.

Right now - despite the fact that I feel like I've been run over by a car -- I've sent Mr. Wicked off to buy me a truck load of ComTill, I've got a sack of bloodmeal to blend in, and shortly I'll be RE-tilling the whole thing so that I can get my plants in place this week.

And in a previous post, I mentioned that I plan my garden in advance each year. No, I'm not obsessive about this or anything, why do you ask?

You Can't Go Home Again

2011-05-20T16:38:00.001-04:00

Here's my latest column over at An Army of Ermas, in which we look at all the wonderful things you can find in New Jersey if you're NOT Tony Soprano or Bruce Springsteen but a ten-year-old girl in the 1970s: You Can't Go Home Again

Bad Austen Coming in November!

2011-05-18T10:55:00.002-04:00

Darcy did WHAT?

Adams Media has just released their Fall 2011 Frontlist catalog, and what did I spy on page 40 (41 of the pdf) but the luscious and dignified cover artwork of

::::drumroll please::::

Bad Austen: The Worst Stories Jane Never Wrote
Edited by Peter Archer and Jennifer Lawler
978-1-4405-1185-1

It should ship in October, and let me tell you, Jane would be ~~horrified~~ ~~appalled~~ all astonishment at what we've done.